Empty
I feel like everything in life is just pain and spent effort over and over, and I don’t understand why I should keep going. Most people would say that you push through the bad times to get to the good times but what are the good times?
I do not have good times with friends or family. I have a lot of hobbies and none of them bring me any joy anymore because I am scraping together free seconds to indulge in them when I am not working. And in those free seconds that I manage to materialize to do anything voluntary to try to feel joy, I am exhausted and resentful of everything that has made me this exhausted. I don’t feel like I have anything to show for this exhaustion when the money I make barely keeps me afloat let alone expands into any desirable future.
I feel so sad and I don’t know why anyone would live a life that is constant work and struggle and begets only more work and struggle. There is no end and there is no reward. Why would I want to live?
Life is lonely and long and difficult and expensive and the good moments feel like delusions
Am I just depressed? Is this sentiment just in the air? A symptom of my time and place?
I could just medicate myself and continue therapy but those feel like placations. If placations and suicide are the only options then I guess I will choose placations because I’m already alive I guess. I wish I felt like I wanted to be alive.
I did mark this as vent but if you feel/have felt similarly I’d really like to hear about it.