u/Hot-Leave-8830

I was scheduled to have my hysterectomy last Thursday. I'd written on here about doubts. I got so much in to my head that at the last moment, I panicked and cancelled.

I wanted a second opinion (which was actually my fourth). I researched the best gynaecologists in the country and travelled 3 hours each way to visit (pretty much the length of the country in Switzerland).

It's a year since my first ultrasound and the diagnosis. Last year, I convinced myself that the doctor could hardly see adenomyosis on the scan. I convinced myself it wasn't so bad, and I let a friend get into my head when she said how extreme a hysterectomy was.

Fast forward to today. In he goes with the wand, and BAM! He sees it straight away. He shows me on the screen, the dots splattered around all inside my uterus. I'd specifically gone to him because he was the only surgeon who has suggested radiofrequency ablation, not as a permanent solution but to ease the pain. I've been searching for another solution because I haven't felt quite ready to give my uterus up. Well, even he said the ablation would most likely not be worth it in my case. I know hysterectomy is the only cure, I've had four different doctors tell me, but this time, I really finally realise it.

So I'm trying not to beat myself up for cancelling. I need to go through the process of getting scheduled again. The ULTIMATE thing for me now is quality of life, and I believe it can only get better with yeeting the ute. I just wish I'd had this wisdom last week.

I wrote a post on Saturday after suffering major cramps. My surgery is scheduled for Thursday, and I just had my anaesthesia appointment to go through everything this morning. Saturday I was 100% certain - I even recorded a video for myself and wrote all my symptoms to my partner as I was going through them to remind myself of the 'why'.

Yesterday, I finally opened up and told some friends, and one, as soon as I told her, said, 'That's extreme!' She recently had a baby. Another friend I told, who was also more supportive, has opened up to me about her life. She has a 2 year old. She fights more than ever with her partner and she is stressed. My other friend who told me it's extreme is back at work 100% and her 6 month old is in nursery 5 days a week. This isn't to judge anyone that has to do this to survive and earn money, but is it really so extreme that I'm permanently removing the option to ever have biological children, but also something that causes so much pain every month and disrupts my life?

No, I'm not 100% certain I don't want to birth a child. Maybe I'm 99.9% certain, and, at 40, I AM certain that I don't want to have to deal with this pain anymore - I've sacrificed enough of my life to it already.

I was just upset at her reaction and I feel like I'm almost back to square one with the uncertainty (and I've been thinking about this for a year since getting an adenomyosis diagnosis) - even before that, in fact, before I even knew there was something wrong with my uterus.

I got my hysterectomy scheduled a few weeks ago. Ironically, coincidentally, destiny, whatever it is - my period was due just before. Surgery scheduled for May 7th and period started today. I have ADHD and adenomyosis - was diagnosed with the latter last year at 39 and I've put off having surgery. I've been back and forth - I've never had children and right now, it's the main thing holding me back, even though I don't actually know if I want children.

Woke up at 5.55 with slight cramps. My period is usually like clockwork, and I always start pain killers the day before (sometimes 2 days before). Somehow, this morning, the cramps were totally mild, even bearable. I wanted to experiment without pain killers as one last attempt to see if my periods really are that bad.

The pain subsided. I felt almost too relaxed. A very foreign feeling on the first day of my period, unless I'm drugged up.

I had my usual bath and when I got out, I started getting shaky and blood drained from my face so I anticipated pains might kick in. I took my 20 drops of Tramadol and waited. Soon, the cramps started. Slight at first, then suddenly with a vengeance. I suddenly had flashbacks to being 17 at school screaming and crying with such pain, and the school nurse telling me it couldn't hurt that much (honestly, I should have been diagnosed a lot longer ago!). I tried lying down, it hurt. Tried standing up, it hurt. Had to crouch over like an old lady. Sweats begin to prickle across my body. Another flashback to another bad period.

I desperately need to poop and I can't. I waited for a clot to pass and no blood is even coming out. Then suddenly, the double whammy as my cramps go into over drive, I double over and start dry heaving - I guess I haven't eaten enough today because fortunately nothing but bile came up. I've not vomited in years, and therein lies my final flashback to when I was vomited and pooping at the same time due to cramps around 6 or 7 years ago. Which brings me to the sudden realisation that that is how long I've been dealing with these pains with medication. And really, I can't do that anymore. I hoped maybe I could eat healthy enough and get rid of the adenomyosis, or exercise it out of me, or relax it out of me. But it is in me and we all know the only way I can get it out of me.

So this morning, I even considered cancelling my appointment. I can live with this - I have done for so many years. But really, home alone and terrified I'm going to pass out because of the pain isn't what I want to be doing until menopause kicks in.

It's a glorious day outside. It's warm, the sky is blue, and the birds are signing, and I'm in my second bath of the day hoping no more cramping contractions will come back for the rest of the day, and checking how long it is til I can have my next pain killers.

I was hoping for a gentle period, hoping that my body would tell me I don't really need a hysterectomy, but really, it has reminded me of the pain I've been dealing with for years, and I think it's just a stark reminder that I don't have to deal with it anymore.

I apologise in advance for the wordiness of this post, and for the high probability that it will be a little bit all over the place.

I also don't know what I'm looking for - maybe understanding, maybe compassion, maybe sympathy, or maybe just someone to kick me up the butt.

I also know only I can make the final decision about everything I will write about - my life is in my hands, sometimes I just wish there was someone who would tell me what to do, knowing it would be the best for me, and then I wouldn't have to put so much thought into it.

As an aside, I have ADHD, but I don't take medication, and I don't use that as an excuse for my swarm of constant thoughts.

I was diagnosed with adenomyosis last year at 39yo. The doctor offered the BC options etc, but I had been on BC years prior to having the diagnosis, and have spent the last 8 years completely natural, and that's really worked for me. When I read about people's struggles on here, I really don't think my pain or amount of bleeding is that bad in comparison to how others have it. I've had 3 hysterectomy appointments scheduled, and cancelled each - once was to see my sister and niece, another was for my brother's Christmas party, and another was because I had to do a German course.

I already know cancelling for these reasons throws up red flags all over the place.

A little back story, after getting my diagnosis last year, my boss was the worst. I won't go into detail because it gives me so much anxiety reliving it, but it got so bad I went on sick leave for 6 weeks, and the day after I returned to work, he handed me a warning letter. For context, I'm an immigrant living in Switzerland for over ten years, and was working in a Swiss school (where ironically, employees are usually the most protected). the warning letter was from the local council full of lies the principal had told them about me - lies which I could counteract with evidence. They didn't care - I was in the process of applying for my C Permit (thanks to Brexit, I can't leave and come back with the residence permit I currently have). Much of the permit problems are my fault, but I finally had everything I needed to apply, and even with all the evidence I had to fight the warning, I was fired. No job = no C Permit. No job also means going on the unemployment benefit, which tied my current B permit to the end of my unemployment benefits - October 2027. If I couldn't find a job by then, I'd have to leave the country - somewhere that I've called home for 10 years. I fought the termination, won, and they had to give compensation and sign a document confirming it was an illegal termination. This was in December and the impact it had on my mental health was so incredibly detrimental - and this all came about because of work absences I needed to take due to pain, which was caused by the adeno. I even gave my boss at the time my diagnosis letter, which he demanded, and is pretty illegal in itself, which he claimed for months he never opened. Honestly, just recounting this makes my heart race so I'll leave it at that.

Anyway, back to the hysterectomy and learning that is the only cure. I do suffer from constant lower back aches, I need to pee very regularly, I get incredibly bloated, and for the last years, I just drug myself up just before, and during the first day or two, of my period. So I don't really know how the pain is because it's just something I've been living with my whole life. I have been on the Tube in London in the run up to it, standing up and suffering from crazy cramps, realising I couldn't ask anybody if I could sit down because it's entirely invisible. (So yes, I have pain, but I've learnt to deal with it).

My surgery is scheduled for May 7th. Part of me thinks I can't wait for the positive changes in my body, but I also have no guarantee things will be fixed. I don't have children, I have never had a strong desire to have my own biological children, I have always thought I'd adopt if I did have children - although it is basically impossible in Switzerand unless you have lots of money, which I do not.

Which brings me to Switzerland itself, and this is where I might lose people (if I haven't already). Before I moved here, I was pretty nomadic. I've lived and worked abroad for so many years, leaving England in 2008. I never thought I'd set up home in Switzerland, it was always going to be for a few months, and ten years later, here I am. I have a partner of almost 8 years, and I have three cats we've adopted (one I adopted from the streets in Egypt). On paper, it's pretty idyllic, and I'm pretty sure I'm living a lie, because I have not felt like me in longer than I can remember.

I've said to my partner that I'm not sure he could look after me afterwards the way I may need to be looked after - even the first two days. Maybe that's unfair - he works and studies - combined it's around 150%. He doesn't earn a lot and can't just take days off here and there. But I also don't know that he'd know what to do or how to look after me. I was speaking to him about it the other day - his sister has endo and just got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and his other sister was diagnosed with throat cancer recently. The females in his life are really not having the easiest time, and writing this makes me feel like maybe I'm the bad guy, but I just don't know, through life experiences with him, that he'd be able to be there for me the way I feel like I need him to be there for me. I explained to him that I do think it's important to feel special to someone, and to him, he doesn't think anybody needs to feel special in a relationship. We're just clashing a bit with hopes or expectations of relationships. He's not a bad guy, I'm not a bad woman, but we are aware that maybe we're not so compatible at this stage in our life.

Which brings me to life. I've had to jump through hoops to live in Switzerland. Applying for dozens, probably over 100 jobs at this point, and was getting rejection after rejection. I have now been successful with two jobs, and would start in August, and this enables me to get my C Permit, which means permanent residency in Switzerland. On paper, great! In my heart? Oh, it just aches so much. Because this isn't where I wanted to be. I didn't want to be here ten years later trying to scrape together enough working % in order to become a permanent resident in a country that isn't made for nomads. It's rigid. On paper, sure, it's perfect, it's absolutely beautiful, healthcare is great - but I used to live in Thailand and Libya...none of these things mattered to me.

If I close my eyes, and allow myself to dream, I'd take a camper and just escape. My cats really hold me back, and then it brings me back to reality with a thump - the surgery. Next week. In a week and 2 days. Will it change my life? I have read so many posts - so many success stories, but (and this comes as someone covered in tattoos), it's final. But will it provide a freedom I've never experienced before? I know all of the questions I have couldn't be answered until the surgery takes place itself. I don't know why I'm hesitant - although I actually do. I have a very real fear of it kicking me in the ass if I don't get it, start these jobs, and need to take regular sick leave again for period pain. And so if I got it done next week, I'd be ready to start the new jobs in August, and who the FUCK gets surgery because of the potential of getting told off my a boss for taking sick leave. That experience has screwed me over more than I realised (I also should be in therapy - I have just put off having these thoughts because I'm trying to see life working out, i.e. with jobs etc, doing the things Switzerland expects me to do as an upstanding citizen blah blah).

I realise this post may just come across as whingy. I have struggled to write it in a way that really conveys the deep struggles I am actually feeling because I struggle to properly open up. This scratches the surface in a very woe-is-me way, and that really isn't my intention.

I am lost. I am confused. And I am hurting so much more than I dare or care to admit.

If you made it this far, thank you for sticking with me.