For context, my ex (let’s call him Liam) and I have known each other since we were 17. We dated briefly when we were younger, then life separated us for about four years different countries, different paths. When we ended up in the same country again he pursued me. He reached out first, told me he still had feelings for me, and we got together. That was almost three years ago.
We’ve been long distance the entire relationship ( unless 1 year where he was leaving in the same city but he had to relocate due to his job) about six hours apart. For most of it we made it work. Daily calls, real connection, he was genuinely my safe person.
When things started falling apart was about eight months ago he started a graduate program. That’s when communication dropped significantly. What used to be daily calls became almost nothing. By December we both acknowledged something was wrong.
The moment I knew something was seriously off was when I told him we were losing our intimacy and he just sat there scrolling on his phone. No reaction. I hung up. He called back multiple times. When we finally talked he said he had been feeling the same but didn’t know what to say. I felt like he only reacted because I forced it.
Despite that I kept showing up. I want to say 2 months after I traveled six hours to see him, I travelled by night because I had classes I couldn’t miss and the following day I only had classes online) on the way back, I studied on the train because I still had exams the day following my return from his city, all of that I did for him because it had been at least 5 months without seeing eachother.
Two weeks later he was supposed to travel to see my mother for the first time. She had been looking forward to it for months and he knew about it as well for months. He cancelled last minute citing a family emergency . It was a medical emergency of a family member, mind you, it was not something new, more something chronic. So I thought it was unconvincing. He added that family members were coming from abroad due to the same situation. I work/study in healthcare, so he could have found at least 2 days to come meet my mom, she was only going to stay for over a month and his family stayed for over a week. That was the first time I felt genuinely deceived by him. It broke something in me. I kept asking myself why can’t he show up for me the way I showed up for him. And he tried to apologize and said he would do better next time. And tried to talk back to normal.
I took a week of space but told him why, told him I was coming back, and even during that week I still checked on him. When I returned we had a long honest call. We agreed to communicate better.
The day after that conversation two minutes into a call he said he was tired and hung up.
After that I stopped chasing. And I decided to give him the same treatment. I realize now that maybe this was a mistake but I was too hurt to continue to fight for this . Communication fell apart on both sides. Our calls became “hi, I’m tired, goodbye.” He stopped saying I love you. He stopped knowing what was happening in my life at one point he wished me good luck on an exam I didn’t even have that day. And I finally broke down, I sent him a voicenote and I told him not to reach out if he does not want to tell me what is really wrong.
He eventually reached out apologizing. When I called him he admitted he didn’t see where the relationship was going, cited distance and future uncertainty. It is true that we could not figure out where we will live together in the future, but I only had one last year before I graduate and to be honest we never really had an open conversation about it either. He said he still loved me but hadn’t had the courage to say what he was feeling sooner.
During that call, the first emotions that came to me was anger, so I did not show any emotions other than okay I guess this is it and I was determined to move on from him. In my mind, I have been dealing with his on and off behaviour for 2 months and somehow I know I need to end this so now that it is happening, I am going to face it, go through it and move on. It was only the day after that I actually felt what was my first heartbreak. I had all the symptoms I saw on the internet and thought people were exagerating. I am talking about chest pain, panick attack, I litteraly lost 7kg the following week.
So I fought back at first. Told him I loved him. Asked him to tell me what he genuinely thought we couldn’t overcome. He said he needed time to give me real answers rather than generic ones and that he didn’t want to give me false hope. I told him I loved him and was willing to make it work. He liked the message without responding further.
What followed was an emotionally exhausting week internally. Some moments I was done. Other moments I wanted him back desperately. I went back and forth multiple times.
Eventually after about six days I sent him a long honest message. I told him what hurt me most wasn’t the distance or the uncertainty it was the way he handled hard moments. That he would withdraw, go silent, process alone and leave me carrying the emotional weight of the relationship by myself. That I had lost trust in our ability to face things as a team. That I needed a relationship where communication was consistent even when uncomfortable. And that I didn’t think going back would be right because I didn’t want to feel alone in a relationship again.
He responded gracefully. Apologized. Acknowledged his behavior wasn’t fair. Said I deserve so much.
It’s been four days of no contact.
But here’s the thing I’m actually traveling to his city next weekend for an unrelated appointment. And I’m wondering if I should reach out and ask to see him in person before I completely close this door.
My reasoning is this: I feel like he never had the full picture. There were things I never told him about how my plans for the future had actually changed in ways that would have resolved some of the logistical uncertainty he was worried about. I was too ashamed and too private to share those things while we were together. And I wonder if one honest in person conversation where I finally show up completely might give us both something we never actually had.
I also think he might be a dismissive avoidant. He processes internally, makes decisions alone, withdraws under pressure instead of leaning in. I was always the one initiating hard conversations. And I wonder if he checked out not because he stopped caring but because he didn’t know how to handle the uncertainty and communicated it by disappearing instead of talking.
Is it too late to ask for an in person conversation after already sending a closure message?
Or would reaching out now just be me unable to let go?
Is there any version of this where seeing him in person makes sense, not to get back together necessarily but to finally have the honest conversation we never had?
And is it crazy that after everything I still feel like he was the one?