u/Hymenopodidae

This is Oliver, previously known as El Chapo. Oliver is only 8 months old yet has committed so many crimes that he could be tried as an adult.

Here is a summary of his crimes:

Destruction of property

1. My precious orchid is full of teeth marks, multiple plants have been knocked over, and he ate my bean plants.

2. The rug next to the scratching post is clearly superior and no amount of incentives can change that.

3. Vomiting in the middle of a new clean dress shirt the morning of a funeral.

Resisting arrest

1. When caught he SPRINTS, he has also mastered the art of evasion and using the environment to his advantage.

2. Any sort of restraint results in screams that he is dying and must be let go this instant...I promise he's fine because the second you let him go he pretends nothing ever happened.

Poisoning

1. Ate half a bar of dark chocolate resulting in a late night trip to the veterinary hospital.

2. Ate trail mix with raisins resulting in a weekend trip to the veterinary hospital.

3. Ate an entire head of garlic resulting in an early morning trip to the veterinary hospital.

I am not kidding when I say that he chooses, actively chooses to eat the things that are most likely to kill him. He is lucky his mom is a veterinarian.

Trespassing

1. It is impossible to keep this cat off the counter, you name it and I've tried it: tin foil, pepper, lemon oil, lemon spray, water spray, alternative high spots, tape. Nothing even phases him. I have lost.

Assault

1. The other cat gets pounced on daily

2. The dog's tail is not safe

3. My chest is covered in scratches from being used as a launch pad

4. He attacked a bee and got stung, his paw swelled up to twice its size...then the next day proceeded to attack a wasp and get stung again.

Disturbing the peace

1. He likes talking to himself, no he's not in pain, no he's not in distress, he's not even looking for attention. He just likes hearing himself make sounds. It just happens to be when everyone is asleep.

Stealing

1. He steals the other cat's food

2. He steals the other cat's treats

3. He steals the dog's food

4. He tries to steal the dog's treats (who is 10x his size)

5. He stole and ate an entire bread roll the size of his head out of a package.

And yet, I'd protect this dumb little (no so little anymore) cat with my life. He snuggles up on my neck like a little scarf, he loves his life and his family. He waits for me by the door when I get home. And even though he's probably gonna send himself into early kidney failure with the things he chooses to eat, it would be a life well lived by his standards. He is on timeout right now though for munching on my orchid again.

What is a fitting punishment for his crimes?