I (27M) destroyed a new relationship with my girlfriend (25F) due to a 17-year-long online addiction. I need help.
I am posting this because I need to be completely honest with myself and get some perspective. I am 27, and I’ve been dating my girlfriend (25F) for a few months. Recently, she found out about a double life I’ve been living, and everything has completely shattered. To explain how I got here, I need to lay out what has been happening, because this is a compulsive habit that has been wiring my brain since childhood.
It all started when I was just 10 years old. It began as a joke between me and a friend catfishing people online. He might have thought it was funny, but I didn't. It did something to my brain. From that point on, it developed into creating elaborate characters online, which eventually escalated into sex chatrooms. In those rooms, I would cosplay as different characters, sometimes a woman, sometimes trans, or sometimes a man. I even kept specific files on my computer for each character I was playing so I could keep the personas straight. For 17 years, I haven’t stopped doing this for a single day.
A few months ago, I downloaded dating apps, which is actually how I met my current partner. Once we started dating, I never deleted the apps. I told myself that as long as I stopped the conversations and never went out on actual dates, it was just catfishing and not real cheating. When I felt insecure or stressed, I thought, why not use them so they can hit the spot? I wasn't being selective at all. I was just swiping on everyone, landing on men, trans individuals, or literally anyone, just so I could get a hit of validation and text them.
A few days ago, my phone screen was on. My girlfriend turned around and saw Tinder. Crucially, she didn’t see the word "Download", she saw the word "Open." That’s when her suspicions instantly rose. She asked me about it, and I confessed right away. She kept asking more questions because she feels it is pure cheating. In that moment, I spiraled and confessed to everything I have done over the last 17 years, including the sex chatrooms, the cosplaying, and the files, to try and explain to her that this was a deep-seated catfishing addiction.
Because I confessed to all the weird stuff along with the dating apps, she is completely overwhelmed. She says that since I was using my real profile on the apps, it wasn't catfishing, it was pure cheating. Now, she can’t look at me the same way. She says she feels like I am a total stranger to her.
I feel completely disgusted with myself. I feel sick, ugly inside, and heartbroken over what I’ve done to a girl I've only been with for a few months. I’ve deleted the apps and the files, but I know willpower isn't enough. My brain has been wired to seek dopamine and escape this way since I was a child.
How do I actually fix my psychology when a habit is this deeply ingrained? How can I even begin to make up for this to my partner, when she feels like she doesn't even know who I am? Has anyone else been in this dark of a hole and actually managed to change? Any advice, even the harsh truth, is appreciated.