u/Iamthepizzagod

TL;DR: The scrutiny and denial of people hood and belonging, against Liberal Jewish converts, from Israeli governmental and Orthodox Religous authorities, and hasbara influencers, has slowly eroded and now obliterated my desire to keep being a dedicated Zionist and practicing Jew. I now find part of myself wanting to give up this Jewish journey of mine entirely, just to save myself any more pain from rejection of such a core part of who I've become. I'm now too Jewish for an antisemite, and not enough for places where I'd need to seek refuge.

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So I've posted a fair few comments here from a rather pro-Zionist perspective, mainly because until the dam broke in my mind today, I've felt strongly attached to the idea that a Zionist state could include a Jew like me in being a place of refuge. But for the reasons listed below, I feel increasingly alienated from that theoretical reality, and from the people and faith I chose as a whole.

So as the sentence above implies, I wasn't born into the Jewish people. I am a convert who made the possibly wrong choice to convert into Reform Judaism, the immersion being 2 years ago and the whole conversion process was longer than that. It wasn't a possibly wrong choice due to a lack of belief in Jewish beliefs, practice, or love for my people. In fact, it was exactly the opposite, that my desire to increase my observance and dedication to Jewish matters seems to have eclipsed what my shul can seem to provide.

So I then turn to other more halachic/mitzvot related resources and liturgy, especially from the Sephardic world where some of my ancestors come from.But they dont even consider me Jewish because of the movement I converted into. And then I realize, neither do any of the Israeli Jewish religious authorities that have actual power. I also don't even believe at this point that most Israeli Jews, even many secular ones, would accept me as a real Jew either. Establishing an Egalitarian Sephardic minyan is no easy task either, especially with the halachic stain on my Jewishness that lurks in the back of my head whenever I reference the prayers I wanted to use to make that happen.

To some, this whole argument might seem like an overreaction to a simple difference in halachic opinion. But for me, its far more than that, its a debate of the most core part of my identity that exists, and it being constantly on the knives edge of halachic and political debates is utterly exhausting. At this point, I'm tempted to just give up and stop even trying to advocate for a state (Israel) that will never accept me, and give up my new faith to avoid rejection moving forward.

It'll make little real halachic difference either way, so maybe I should just embrace my depressive tendencies and embrace the Rootless Cosmopolitan label to describe my current condurum. I'm Jewish enough for antisemities, but not even close enough for the one country that could allow me true refuge from antisemitism as a part of a Jewish majority.