Slowly Breaking as a Preceptor Midwife with 2 years' and 7 months experience and recently diagnosed with work-related depression and anxiety.
Hello everyone, I know the title itself sounds horrible, but I literally feel like I have no one to turn to. Even now, I'm very nervous about having to type this. There is a big degree of shame, but it's only for the benefit of moving forward once I get it out there. So bare with me guys.
I qualified in 2023 (Began my journey in 2020 around COVID time), and due to the Direct Entry Scheme, I was placed in a Sister Trust that I didn't train in 2024. But I was optimistic as I could gain new knowledge in a new environment. The preceptorship program in this Trust is 12 months (based in England). My anxiety started to develop as I knew no one and truly wasn't expected to be here. I am now aware that it is very common at that stage, and some drop out. At this trust, it is bigger and busier than my previous trust, so I experienced culture shock. I wanted to go back to my old Trust so bad, but there were no vacancies, and their services will stop, forcing staff to find a job elsewhere.
Life started to become complicated, and with the struggle of trying to find my footing at work (also finishing late many times and travelling over an hour to get back home), I stopped doing my hobbies, took no joy in doing anything, sleeping longer, chores in the home were reducing, staying in bed longer, cried more and had this horrible sense of dread. Band 7s were aware of this, but I hit my breaking point in January last year and had to have mental sick leave for 3-4 months while my preceptorship was still ongoing. I then developed chronic Procrastination and even struggle to complete E-learning as I'm always feeling overwhelmed.
Within 2025, 3 very important people in my life all died and had to leave a relationship of 7+ years within the year, taking a massive hit on my mental health, all the while, still trying to find my footing. I have reached out, and they have tried to support, but it was very minimal. I tried to forbear it, but I took another mental sick leave in December 2025 as it was piling up and still finishing 2 hours late. On both occasions, I sought CBT therapy. It was a temporary fix.
3 Months ago, my dad was murdered, but I tried to push through, only taking a week of bereavement (it's truly not enough).
Fast forward to now, there are 2 types of competencies remaining, but as I have been sick with the flu, this Sickness monitoring has triggered. I have used one Annual leave to try and not trigger further, but as I am still sick, it moved on anyway. My preceptorship was mentioned during the phone discussion, and the Matron was not very understanding, even though she is aware of what had happened, but she does not know I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety not medicated. But I also thought in the back of my mind, this is temporary, and I guess you can say I was in denial of having these things. So I carried on not telling anyone.
In her words, I have to "move mountains and come in unpaid to get them signed off, as now you're in the disciplinary stage of your preceptorship. If you don't get them signed off within a certain amount of time (she will send an email), I'm afraid you will lose your job. I know this ain't the best time to talk about this, as you are sick and I can hear you are struggling to talk, but I have to warn you" Mind you, I JUST rotated back to Labour ward with this Matron, previous Matron in the postnatal ward was VERY understanding and allowed me time.
I am extremely embarrassed and ashamed as I was told by the same Matron that "I'm the only one that's taken this long" and I'm also embarrassed that a lot of the people who started at the same time as me have finished theirs and they think I finished too...
After the phone conversation, I'm not sure how to explain this, but that sense of dread came back, worried sick, I felt myself slipping back, on edge, etc. In that moment of panic, I'm not sure if I made the right decision, but I made an appointment with my GP, and he told me he would put me back on CBT therapy, that I shouldnt be medicated yet and is happy to sign me off to not go to work for a month as he noticed I have been going through with depression and anxiety but there was no follow up.
What I'm concerned about is I'm currently on Sickness monitoring (went from informal to now formal stage, still with the flu), got an approved not fit to work note for a month, but haven't given it yet as I'm terrified, and now I'm told I have limited time to get my competencies signed off. I spoke with a trusted colleague who has been working for 20 years. She read and listened to my two-part rant and said she would re-listen and get back to me, but she hasn't yet. I don't want to bother her.
I'm not looking for pity at all. I need some direction so I can move forward. I was going to use the month off to attend CBT therapy and catch up on E-Learning, but since the Matron stated I have limited time. I don't know what to do.
I do apologise for this long-winded read. I'm literally at my wits' end with no one to turn to, and I have 2 days until I have to update them on my health and 3 days until they expect me to go back to work. But I appreciate those who took the time to read.