I am a total tech/media art newbie with no coding background but am a Ph.D. student that does performance and sound art. An EDM artist I follow recently did this video art for a track promo and I wanted to know wtf it is so that I can search up tutorials on how to do it for a visual project I have in mind. I imagine this was done in TouchDesigner but maybe I’m wrong?
I should have everything together, but I don’t…and god I feel terrible and like there is no way out.
I’m a young 20-something international grad student (PhD) living in the US in a big west coast city with a great university stipend but my god, moving to the US as a first-generation immigrant scholar wrecked me. Didn’t have much in savings to begin with, and my parents could not help me with my move. Credit card bills went up like crazy and since I couldn’t open an American credit card at first, I was throwing it all on my foreign credit card and wracking up costs paying for rent and bills because I had payroll issues starting at my university.
It’s been two years since I moved here and after realizing I was only chipping away at the principle of my credit cards every month, I’ve just switched over to a Debt Management Program (DMP) to get my life together. Checked my bank account and noticed that I only have $40 to my name and living paycheck to paycheck. The end of the month always feels like a crawl to some finish line before I go again.
My payroll switches next month so I get paid not at the top of the month, but instead get paid at the end of the month, meaning I need to survive an extra 2-3 weeks in August. I’ve saved enough money to cover rent and all my basic utilities but that leaves $50 left to scrape by. I wish I could ask for help from someone, but as an international student, we don’t have options for financial emergency aid, despite the fact we pay taxes to the state just like everyone else. I also am not allowed to work outside of my permitted job as a TA or instructor.
Went to the food bank for the first time today as an adult (my parents used food banks to make ends meet when I was a kid). I can’t help but feel like I’m a failure. I’m the oldest of 3 kids, and the only one who went past high school in education and supposed to be the “successful” one but I completely broke down on the phone with my parents last week. I want to ask them for help and I know it’s gonna suck.
I’m putting in the good work…I get scholarships, I get awards, I put in the work to make ends meet, I’ve done…questionable things to cut corners, but why does it feel like I can’t get a break?
All things considered from the outside: I should be the happiest I’ve ever been. I really thought this summer would be mine, that I would finally be able to get out of the house, make friends, and feel like I’m worthy of people’s time, but all I can think about is how I’m a fraud and a failure.