Online cult with energically charged images that hypnotise you.
This is probably my last shot at reddit. I have been ignored many times before. And finding a one person out of 8.3Billion who understands me would mean a world to me.
I am literally on my last resort. I never could have imagined how deeply frustrated one can be. It's like my frustration has no limits. There's so many layers of my frustration, that i could never wish anything that i have gone trough on my worst enemy. The only person i wish it would come back to is the one that caused it all.
In short: Basically i stumbled upon an online cult from Russia called : usladushka.(the name of the cult leader) The story for a normal person might sound like something from imagination or sci-fi plot for a movie..
It all started in the end of 2015( the last year of my even remotely normal life)
So it's november/december of 2015. I recently moved in with my long term girlfriend at the time in an apartment. I was smoking marijuana on a daily basis. I was actively doing psychedelics trough the whole 2015, up to couple times a month. One morning after a night of a heavy drinking whilst being really hangover, i stumbled up on a "spiritual website" in russian. There was something about star names, past incarnations and "this incarnation"meaning on their forums. The information was really intense and overwelming. It's like you could almost feel the words written there. My critical thinking was perhaps on my all time low. So I started looking at "energically charged images" which the site owners described as "energy work" or something like that. And i literally experienced something appearing on these images, like an unknown entity, yet they were colourful, but not really shaped like humans, more like something unpleasant and incomplete. So i got pretty shocked. Back then i had no clue on the depth of the consequences of that day.
I always knew there was God till that day, and on the website they were posting something like prayers to God, but not in a biblical way, but something like God mixed into their way of spirituality. I continued to explore these images, there were really many of these, like pictures of nature "loaded with energy", each of pictures meant for their own purpose. (But in reality they were something like hacking the perception, like finding the backdoor to your computer. Hypnosis at it's best.)
It's incredibly hard to even write this, because the PTSD of this experience and consequences are unimaginable.
I continued to explore the website and the pictures. They simply drag me in, i didn't even realize at the time that my mind was getting completely shut off the more i explored the website. The "feelings" of my soul were so overwelming, that i could not even function properly without looking at the pictures atleast a couple of minutes every day. So it became like a routine for a while, i deeply down always felt like somethings not right, but i was so detached from the reality, that the only way i could function was just going back to see the pictures. I even printed them out, and they still "worked".
So became a time about a year later, when i simply had enough i couldnt do it any more. One day I ragequited my own life because of this experience. I left my girlfriend, who just had a baby. Just dressed up, called my brother to help me move my belongings, and moved out of the apartment.
I thought it will get better after a while, but my soul was completely detached from reality and was always waiting for something to give her the same "energy" or something for free. Like not "Do and get" but, more like "Get and do" mindset. it was somewhat utopic, but with a complete denial of my mind or sanity. It's kind of embarassing to say it like that, but i was litterally trapped in that kind of perception.
After that I tried many ways of getting back into a normal everyday life, but the perception was so damaged, I couldn't get back into it. Only finding ways to live atleast at 30%-35%
I have no strength to continue with the story, but I can say that ever since then i am trapped into this fake perception, like watching world trough a periscope. Like i have lost any friends i had, anyone i cared about at the time, and my every day is a fight to keep my head above water.
Some people might dream of big things like marriage, owning a supercar, or company or career, my biggest dream is to simply live a normal life ever since 2016. These 10 years have gone down the drain, like completely worthless, because "not me" was living them. Apart from the end of the 2018, when i literally felt like the whole universe understands in how deep trouble i am and probably gave me everything i had ever been planned to give in my whole life. And when that ended, i am now simply existing, trying to get trought each and every day. It's unimaginably crazy to never meet anyone with similar problems or someone that has never experienced something similar.
So if any of you have dealth with something even remotely similar or know where to seek help, please answer.