I am standing at the beach. I can feel the cold water from the waves slide across my feet. It’s dark, very dark. I stare at the dark night sky. A storm is on its way. The entire sky is already covered in thick dark clouds. It's very silent out here. All I can hear are the waves. I know what is going to happen tonight. It’s going to be a long night. And I know that it’s not going to end well. Not for me. Not for anyone. But I know that it’s what I must do. I still have time to turn around, I still have time to go back. But I won’t. I am waiting for the storm to arrive. The storm will finally wash my memories away.
“Oh, I think you got bite. Now just remember to hold on tight! Pull when you can feel it struggling. And now start to reel it in. Now it’s starting to struggle again. Just pull! Pull! Pull! Yes, you’re doing very well! Now just reel it in the rest of the way! Yes! Yes, you got it! You actually got it! I’m so proud of you Jacob! You’re gonna be an amazing fisherman one day!”
My dad has always been there for me. I’ve always looked up to him. He was strong, he was clever and he was one of the most caring and loving people I’ve ever met. He was the one who taught me to fish. We used to go to a cabin we had near a lake every summer. We caught some good fish up at that lake. I have so many good memories from that place. I wish that I could give him one last goodbye. But he won’t even notice when I disappear tonight. He doesn’t even remember who I am anymore. He’s so far gone now. I don’t know if I can even call him my dad anymore. He’s just laying in that bed… rotting. He doesn’t even notice the time going by. He’s just an empty shell now.
What used to be a breeze is now more resembling a gentle wind. The storm is getting closer. It took me a while to walk out here from my car. I want to make sure that no one will find me and stop me. I have a knife on me in the case that someone finds me. My feet hurt from walking on rocks and sand, barefoot for so long. And it feels like my body will soon give up. But I must stay strong. I cannot give up.
“Look at yourself, you fucking weakling. I wish that I never gave birth to you! You have brought nothing but shame to this family! What would your dad think of you now?! You’re not the son he wanted! You just whine all the time, you fucking crybaby! Why can’t you just get your shit together and act like an adult for once?! You need to be a man Jacob! A man!"
My mother is dead. She deserved to die. I still have scars on me left by her. She used to hit me and cut me. I still think about some of the things she has said to me. They still hurt to this day. My parents got divorced when I was 12. I still remember the exact day that it happened. The 27th of June 2005. The best day of my entire life. My dad got full custody of me. But when he got hospitalized I had to move in with my mom. I lived with her for a full year before she died. She was killed. They still don’t know who killed her. I was the main suspect for a while, but they eventually shifted their focus to one of our neighbours. I have nightmares about the day she was killed. Sometimes I can taste her blood in my mouth, and feel the knife in my hand. I still remember what her body looked like as it laid lifeless on the floor. With her dead eyes looking up at me. I still see her face when I close my eyes.
“So, how does your fish taste, Jacob?” “It’s good!” “I’m glad. I’m really proud that you were able to catch such a big one!” “Thanks dad” “Of course Jacob. Aren’t you just grateful that we get to sit here and just relax? “Yeah, I’m really glad that we bought this cabin.” "Right?" Look how beautiful the lake is right now. How calm it is. Oh, look at that bird right there! It just flew straight into the water to catch a fish. “Wow, I’ve never seen that before! That looked fucking crazy! “Hey, no swearing!” “Oh I’m sorry dad, I didn’t mean to, I just got very excited!” “It’s okay, don’t worry. It isn’t every day that you see that. Hey, do you wanna go for a swim when we’re done eating?” “Yeah, that would be nice. Do you think the water is warm enough?” “Yes, of course. It’s probably super nice right now.” “Hey dad, I have a question.” “Yeah, what is it?” “Do you regret ever meeting mom?” “Well, that’s a difficult question. Because if I hadn’t met her, I would never have gotten you.” “So, I’m really worth it? So I really do matter to you?” “Yes, of course you do. You’re everything to me. I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost you.” “That really means a lot to me dad. It’s just difficult to really know if you’re loved when you’re surrounded by so much hate all the time.” “I understand why you feel that way. But now you don’t have to be with your mom anymore. You just have to hold on to the joy in your life no matter what. Can you promise me that, Jacob?” “Yes, I promise you dad.”
It has started to rain. I have a small boat ready to leave. The clock is ticking, I think it might be time to get into the boat soon. I’m scared. I’m very scared. With every passing second, I get more and more worried about what’s awaiting me out there. As soon as I leave in that boat, there’s no way back.
“Alissa ❤️
Hi Jacob….
I’m sorry that I have to do this over text. But I don’t think we can do this anymore. I can tell that you’re not doing well. And we can’t keep pretending that you are. It feels like ever since your dad got hospitalized that something changed in you. And I understand that it’s difficult and I tried to be there for you, but you didn’t let me in. And I feel like it got even worse when you lost your mom. I feel like you’ve been putting all of your anger out on me. I’ve really tried to help you as much as I can, but you won’t accept my help. I hate seeing you hurting so much. But you’ve just been so hateful. Some of the things you have said to me recently have really hurt me. And I can barely hold in the tears as I’m writing this. A part of me still loves you, and it’s really hard for me to let you go. I really wish that I didn’t have to. I think you need to speak to someone about how you feel, it doesn’t have to be me, just someone. I really think it would help you a lot to express to someone how you feel. But I have to move on. I don’t think there really is another way. I don’t think we can ever go back again, I’m sorry…..
Delivered at 10:23 am
Alissa was special. Very special. She made me realize that I was capable of loving. We met in the first year of college. I still remember the first time I saw her. It was our first English class of the year. And I had to sit next to her. As we got to know eachother I noticed how pretty her eyes were. Her voice was so soothing. And she just had the sweetest smile and the cutest laugh. And over the next couple of days we started becoming friends and not just acquaintances. After maybe a week, I gathered the courage to ask for her phone number and her name on Facebook. We then started to talk outside of school too. After a couple of weeks the rumors were going around that we were dating. We acted like it annoyed us, but it definitely felt nice when someone would say it. It just made sense that we would be together. Finally, one day when we were hanging out together in my dorm room, we kissed. It didn’t feel awkward, it didn’t feel like it was too soon, nor too late. It felt just right. It wasn’t too long after that that I lost my virginity. We were together for the rest of our time in college. And we stayed together after college because we only lived about 2 hours from each other. But about half a year after I got back from college, my dad couldn’t even remember how to take his clothes on. So I decided he had to be hospitalized. It really fucked me up. And the year I spent with my mom after that was one of the worst periods of my life. I was constantly enveloped in darkness, with Alissa being the only light in my life. After my mom died. Alissa said that I “changed”. But I didn’t “change”. She just became a fucking bitch! I wanted to give our relationship a second chance. But she just wanted to move on and forget about me. She was my everything. I had nothing left but her. She ruined me…
I don’t think I can wait much longer. I have to get in the boat now.
“You know that you can’t just give up on life. I know that your dad means a lot to you, but there isn’t much you can do about it. But you have to show up to work on time Jacob. I have given you many chances now. I have really tried to be generous with you. But I can’t keep you in this position any longer. I’m sorry Jacob, but I have to fire you. I really hope that you’ll get better and that you’ll find happiness somewhere else.”
I’m out in the water now. The boat is violently tilting from side to side. I’m scared that I might fall off too soon. Everything is so chaotic now. I can barely even hear my own thoughts. I can’t wait for this to be over. WIth every second the fear in my body increases. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this. Did I still have something left? Was I still needed?
“Marcus
Hey Jacob, are you okay? You haven’t answered your phone calls or your texts in a few weeks. You know that you can always count on me. I heard what happened between you and Alissa. And I was wondering if you wanted to maybe have a boys night again. Me and the boys really miss you. Like, we really miss you. We really don’t want you to do something stupid that you’ll regret. We love you, and we will always be there for you no matter what
Delivered at 5:55 pm
I can’t hold the balance any longer. I think the boat is tipping over.
“Sabrina (bestie)
Heyyyy. I’m worried for youuu. I heard that you got fired?! What happened? R u ok? I feel like I haven’t seen you in like forever. I miss you so much. It’s so lonely to work without you. I really miss our lunches together. I really miss our conversations. I miss our movie nights. You know that I care deeply about you ❤️ And you know that I’m always there for you if you need me. Pls call me. I miss uuuuu ❤️
Delivered at 8:16 pm
It’s over… I can feel the ice cold water enveloping my body. My attempts to get out of the water have become worthless. My limbs are starting to lose feeling. I’ll let myself sink. I imagine the end as I’m starting my descent. And I’ll go further downward so that I can rest, Cocooned by the heat of the ocean floor. In the dark, my flesh will disintegrate into consumption for the earth…