I did the right thing and it broke me
TW euthanasia
This is mostly incoherent venting, but this is the only sub that can understand and I just feel the need to vent a little. Writing this all makes my heart feel a little lighter.
Yesterday, May 8th, I laid my best friend to sleep. His osteoarthritis and the chronic ulcers he had from the discomfort from it finally got the better of him. He would've been 12 years old June 10th. Last winter was really rough and I know the next one would've been agony. Suddenly it just came to me, his time has come. This is my last chance to let him go before it's "too late".
When the weather got warmer and he once again got better, people tried to gently sway my decision. "He's looking so good, he's acting so much better, are you sure it's the time yet?". Even the lovely man that came to lay him to sleep was surprised, he's looking good! But the people that weren't with him daily, didn't know him and what he's been like through out the years couldn't really see it. The gentle, loving horse was gone. He was irritated, cranky. He wasn't feeling his best anymore.
When the horse with the highest motivation to work suddenly hated all work and was uncomfortable doing even the simplest of tasks, I knew. But even still, seeing him with his friend, playing, bucking and running I began to doubt myself. My heart and my brain were pulling me in different directions. I stood behind my decision. And I don't regret it.
I'm so glad my last memories are happy. Him grazing, playing with his friend, acting like a normal horse. He wasn't in agony, wasn't limping around.
When I was getting to the barn to say goodbye to him for the last time, I was sure I'd be alone. It was terrifying. But that wonderful little horse always had a way to bring people together. And that's what he did even on his last day. Three friends. Three friends he'd brought to me during these years were with me. Giving him love, treats and whispering sweet things into his ears. Walking with us when that wonderful little horse was taking his last steps. Crying with me, holding each other when that horse drew his last breath.
It felt so powerful. Four girls, that never would've met if it wasn't for one silly little horse. Standing strong but also breaking together. It was unity, friendship I've never felt before. I'm eternally grateful I didn't have to say goodbye to my friend alone. All the girls thanked me that I gave them permission to be there with us. But how could I say no? I was the owner but that horse meant so much to them too.
Something in me died with that horse but I also got a new core memory. That friendship during one of the greatest sorrows of my life. No words can ever describe how grateful I am to that horse. He gave me more I could ever hope for. Our short journey was so hard but also filled with so much joy, love and beauty.
Thank you, my best friend. Your impact on so many lives was truly amazing.
Hug your friends, both human and animals a little tighter today. Take that little bit of extra time to really be in the moment with them. Let the scent of your beloved horse fill you. Take note how soft that touch of the nose is. Run your hands on their manes and give a good scratch. Because you never know when that could be the last.