Sunsets and magic
There is a kind of magic in the air whenever you find yourself in the best position to admire a sunset. I used to believe good sunsets could only ever be found at a beach, if you were lucky enough to live in an area of the globe that perfectly aligns itself with the fall of the sun into the horizon. Even after so many years have passed, I can still vividly recall that time my family stopped the car whilst driving back to our house from visiting the beach at a viewpoint, to admire the beautiful colors of the sky and take lots of pictures. I do not know what happened to those pictures, but I do know that the memory will be carried, at least by me, for the rest of my life.
There have been many sunsets since then, but I always find myself returning to that one specifically. It was definitely not the first sunset I experienced, but there was magic in the air that day for sure, even if I do not remember anything else about it other than that moment of awe that made my family stop that car.
My hope is that those moments continue happening throughout my life, that there is never a dull year in which there was no magic to think of. However, it also leads me to think, is the point of life those moments? Are we only living to experience magic? Or is there some other, more elusive meaning to be had?
I do not consider myself a religious person, and yet, I find myself experiencing comfort every time I manage to go to mass. There is something about the ritual of a Catholic Sunday ceremony, the shared experience of knowing the familiar words, and being there with someone you care for, that creates a desire in me to continue going. Do I believe in God? Most of the time I do not know, and yet, I consider myself Catholic.
This all to say that a religious person luckily has a nice answer to the purpose of life. We live to honour God and to follow His plan. Honestly, I do not think this is the correct answer, I do not even think God thinks this is the correct answer, because then, what is the point of having free will if without it He could have created perfect little servants that only follow Him and whatever He desires. That would make for a dull God, wouldn’t it? If anything, God is not dull.
I find myself discussing this question with people from time to time, changing with the years my perspective on it. I went from being a kid, to being religious, to be a cynic and a nihilist, to finding myself believing with all my heart in creation. We create art, we create community, we create life. We live for art, we live for our communities and families, we live for our children and the children of the universe. Well, at least some of us do, I do not like those who don’t.
I met the second love of my life when I was 27. Even though it was the second time I was falling in love, never have I fallen so hard, deep and fast. That quote that says, real lovers have one good date and never separate?, that was us. For two weeks at least, that was us.
How did it even happen? How does one find themselves obsessed with another person in that way? Deeply affected by everything that is them, addicted to a smell, a taste, a touch. Is it all chemistry? Hormones? Is it just a physical reaction in my body that led me to believe my soul was made of the same material as his? That it led me to believe I had just simply recognized in him a part of myself.
And then, how does it just end? How does a person that feels this level of attraction and love just decide that they have had enough? I will never understand the decisions my ex took that led him to lose me, I will never understand how I was able to stand by his side, disappointment after disappointment, until finally, I was led to a breaking point.
The magical moments that led to me believing he was the One existed, I still remember them vividly in my head, even after all these months and me having met others. I do not think they will fade anytime soon, nor do I want them to fade. They lead me to creation, the joy I felt, the desire, and of course, the insurmountable pain and grief I feel, all lead me to want to write and write and ride them away. I will get these feelings out of my body and into a page. If it’s the last thing I do, the last gift he gives me, I will write them down. Nobody needs to read them ever for them to be real, my words. They are mine.
I do not think I will let myself love like that again, free falling in the way that I did. I do not think it is even possible to love like that again, I have grown from the experience, I have gained wisdom, I am not the same, I have been changed. That does not necessarily mean that I will not ever experience as much love as I felt for him again, but I will do it with more caution, hopefully.
That sunset that is so ingrained in my head will not be the last sunset. That magic will be found again. Maybe it is going to be my own future family who will stop a car at a beach one day to take lots of soon-to-be forgotten pictures. Maybe it will be just me. It will be enough.