why/when?
Roger in a way wants love. He is lonely, and despite his bravado about finding someone and his bullshittery of past escapades he just cant seem to find someone to be with. He jokes with an old friend about getting a blowjob from claire, it is nothing to him because he feels, he knows that claire would never even talk to him in a romantic way. So he just sits there pretending to be a full cup a happy cup when he really is just quite empty. The cup was never full in the first place. Why did he have to deal with this? Why did the universal order deal him this pack of cards? Why does he suffer? Is it karma? Has he said too much at first, then, built upon the lie? Why does he cherish such trivial things? Is he destined to forever be an empty cup? And then there springs upon Rogers mind a question- are there other empty cups? Are there other cups, empty but painted and colourmatched as to show a higher waterline, unexposable until they are disturbed, they are touched and felt and the visual tactile experience of seeing light dance at a lower level, of feeling the water slosh around and resist motion with weak, feeble terms? And if other such people exist, why?
Do you ever see something so beautiful, so lovely, that you just know you cant possibly ever, ever touch it? As if you were to even motion towards it, you would be forcefully, painfully, brutally repelled by some divine will? As painful as rejection is, do you understand how gut wrenching it is, to not merely anticipate rejection but to know it is given by provenance? Was Roger created as a lesser being? Was Roger undeserving of love? Am I undeserving of Love? Does she think about me, ever? Will someone ever yearn, yearn so deeply for me it is unbearable, as if the feeling of telling her is wanting to burst out of my chest, as if the very pounding of my heart and the very pulse of my synapses yells, screams passionately to let loose the words? Is “I love you” too much? Is it more than enough? And if it is as such, why do I fail to let words out of my mouth?