i guess i’m just looking for some advice and to hear other people’s similar experiences, or just thoughts on this situation. no one outside my family or my boyfriend really knows about this, so i feel a little in the dark on what i should do.

my bio mom (46) and bio dad (47) got divorced when i was 4 (im 17 now) due to his extreme abuse. he is a severe alcoholic who use to beat my mom, me, and 2 older siblings. i don’t care if my mom says it was “just a couple times”. he beat us. once is more than enough. my very first memory is him squeezing my head in my pull-ups. i wouldve been like 2??? and when i say alcoholic, it’s not like “oh he has a drinking problem but it’s not a big deal”, this guy had to be airlifted to the ICU because his esophagus was bleeding from internal tears due to how much cheap liquor he was drinking. two weeks later? right back to the bottle. not to mention he has a multitude of mental health issues (Bipolar disorder which is also mixed with the aforementioned extreme alcoholism. not good at all.) thank god we are FAR away from him but i still go to my hometown for holidays, i don’t see him alot when im there though. we’ve never really had a relationship because i’m a lot like him (stubborn as hell, although i try my best to be a good person and take care of my issues). i think he just doesn’t want to deal/butt heads with a mini version of himself.

ugh i’m ranting. this guy is such an pos i could write a book about all of his wrong doings.

ok real meat and beans here⬇️⬇️

the thing that finally made me cut him off was at my grandmas house, christmas eve, 2025. he gave me an electric-acoustic guitar from his mom (grandma) when he was 15. it was supposed to be a really sweet moment, like “aw sick !! i’ve been looking for an electric/acoustic guitar for awhile!! thanks dad!” and it was for like…. 10 minutes before he left. didn’t smell a lick of alcohol on him at all, completely sober. 30 minutes later i’m putting this stupid fucking guitar in the bed of my grandpas pickup truck and i missed a call from him. i get in the truck and call him back; which btw, i NEVER call him this late (10 PM?) because after 6 PM he’s probably drunk as shit. but silly me, i’m thinking his still sober because i JUST saw him. NOPE!!! as soon as i pick up he immediately calls me a f*ggot. no hello. nothing. i told him he was never my dad, he would never be, and i wasn’t gonna talk to him ever again. i still haven’t. like why the fuck would be specifically go and call ME, the only gay person he knows to say that. he wouldn’t do that with anyone else. it was so fucking embarrassing. i’ve never been called a f*g so blatantly. i’ve heard plenty of nasty words but idk it just really hit me hard. the first person to EVER call me that in a derogatory way is the guy who’s supposed to be my dad.

i’m just scared that i might regret cutting him off. but also im not, because i have every right to. i’m allowed to be upset, but what if he dies or something and i never get to say goodbye. but also staying in contact causes even MORE stress. i don’t hate my dad. but i don’t love him like the rest of my family either. the love is still there, it’s just a dull and almost lifeless feeling with no meaning behind it. i’m just so messed up on what to do man. i don’t know why im even stressing over it, he doesn’t even TRY to contact me anymore (which i get i blocked him so what more can he do. but still, it feels like he doesn’t care if we reconnect or not.); he just tries to talk to my brother because that’s his special son and he knows W (my brother) has a soft spot for him.

even if no one has advice, it would just be nice to hear similar experiences. i feel so alone because ive never been close with my dad but??? i still care? i feel like theres NOTHING to hold onto anyways, so why am i so caught up on this?? OH. and i forgot to mention, he’s not even coming to my fucking graduation because he’s all pí pí hearted that i’m mad at him.