u/ImprovementSimilar19

Not sure if I want a recommendations or spoiler free discussions, but open to both. Im always posting about liking psychopath pov novels, and i got curious about pro social psychopaths that are detectives. I was looking up novels that explore the concept, and im reading that the killer inside me by Jim Thompson is like the archetype for this shit. I also saw crow girl and the 50/50 killer. Have you guys read any of these by chance? Or do you have some good recommendations about the subject?

36m. Ive been through some physical trauma, didn't have the best childhood, but it wasn't terrible. I've lived with what I feel is the most intense anxiety I can imagine. Its at a 6-7 when I wake up, and it fluctuates between that and a 10 all day. I have panic attacks. I never relax. From the moment my eyes open to the moment I passout I am cranked all the way up. To point I don't feel like I fall asleep. I pass out. I have been in therapy since my early 20s. I've been to 3 psychiatrists and a general practitioner. The doctor before this one, basically told me I was bi polar and left it at that (my current doctor and every other one I've seen says that they do not think that is the case) and put me on the same medicine, same dose for like 9 months. I kept telling him it wasn't helping me, and then he told me he was at a dead end on how to treat me. I paid him for all those months for him to repeatedly try to get me to see his friend the therapist, even though i see a therapist weekly and have for years. I know this sounds crazy, like I'm just leaving key things out, but I'm not, and i don't think thats the case. My current doctor started off with "i don't believe in medicine", so she's basically kept me where he had me. My family has stopped reaching out a few years back. I'm too much to handle. My friends keep me at arms length, cause I'm too intense. It doesn't manifest in a depressive way, I get angry. I don't lash out physically or anything, but I'm no stranger to fist fights. My anxiety is boxing me in to the point that I have noone to talk to. My gf is starting to lose her patience, which i understand. We went to a nice date at a restaurant that was very expensive and I ate like 4 bites because the people around me had me feeling on edge. When I say on edge, I mean I was visibly sweating and when would wipe my forehead with my hand It was wet like I ran it under a faucet. I can't hardly ever eat because of how I feel. They have me on lamotrigine, venlafaxine, hydroxyzine and I'm supposed to take mirtazipine at night. Its supposed to make me drowsy and supposedly it increases appetite, but not for me. The only change I've had from it was I have these unsettling and super vivid dreams, and one keeps recurring where I can't breathe and I keep telling everyone around me but noone gets it. I've had this same dream several times and I wake up having a panic attack and have to sit there for several minutes assuring myself I can breathe and that I'm fine. I don't feel like this is normal. I don't feel like I live a life. Its been like this for years. I work out 4 times a week. I lift weights and do cardio on off days. I'm conscious about what I eat (mostly home-cooked meals high in protein and fiber) take vitamins. I maintain social relationships to best of my ability, to try to get away from myself and being in my head. I do smoke a bit of hemp, all legal stuff. I used to be a heavy smoker, now its just a toke or two. I have had troubles with alcohol in the past due to the fact that I only really feel like i can relax when I'm drunk. Its the only time I sit, the only time I can hold a conversation, I sleep. I had to medically detox around 3 years ago because I was alone and had noone to talk to or help and I lost everything due to an inability to deal with myself and my emotions, so I gave up and just started drinking daily. I spent around 2.5 years completely sober, but have started drinking about once a week or so. I dont feel compelled to drink (when i was drinking heavily it was about a fifth of vodka a day). I never had a problem with drinking or substances in my youth. I did the normal teenager thing of trying some stuff, but never had a problem using drugs and only drank like twice when I was in my teens. I just don't know where to go from here. I know there's people that need medicine, but my doctors don't think I'm one of them. I do the things they tell me to do, and I find no relief. My brain constantly runs, always a dark cloud above my head waiting to rain. I can't conversate because I'm in my head thinking about what the person thinks of me or how loud I'm breathing or where my eyes are. I can't make simple decisions because I get caught up being torn by "what ifs". I have no record, but do have tattoos, one on my face, and it makes me think I'm being profiled, but then again, is that just me being in my head? I'm just tired of being told go to therapy and going, and doing all the things. The play therapy, the CBT, I am honest and open with my doctors, it feels like noone listens. I'm sorry all of this is so scattered. I'm at a loss of where to go, and I'm just, well, anxious.