Is God real or am I tweaking?
Hi, this is gonna be kinda long, so bear with me please.
When I was a kid (I’m 23 now) my grandma (I have no parents, lived with her) was extremely catholic. I had to pray so many times per day, go to church at least 3 times per week. As a child I didn’t understand why am I doing any of this, why is she forcing me to do so? She was also very abusive in many ways, but that’s not what I wanna get into.
The point is, I have a bad relationship with “believing”. I didn’t pray in many many years, didn’t even think about God much. My life is not very great, I’m depressed asf and insecure beyond saving. Few years ago, I was living with my boyfriend and I got 🍇 by him many times. One night after he did what he did, I went on the balcony and just started crying. I didn’t know what to do, I had no family to go back to (long story) and my boyfriend was cheating on me and doing way worse. I had no money to my name and no hopes for the future. I started talking to God, asking him if my life will get better, if yes then please give me a sign, cuz otherwise I don’t see another option than kms. I was about to leave, when I saw a shooting star. I was shocked at first, but then I thought that my brain probably made it up, it was a second after all. But then another star fell, and another and another.. The sky was full of them. I was very shaken up, I didn’t know what to think. The next day I read an article that it was just a night of shooting stars, so it would’ve happened anyways, even if I didn’t ask for a sign. And that’s what got me doubting it. I still choose to trust in this and not kms, which I don’t regret. But still, I didn’t start believing.
It’s been few years since then, my life got a bit better. I’m still figuring a lot out and struggling mentally. Few days ago I was in bed, crying and just scared about how my life is gonna turn out. I put a hand on my cross necklace (not sure if I wear it from a habit my grandma gave me or just decoration) and asked God for a sign that he’s real. Cuz if he is, I’m gonna start believing again. I asked for it to be natural, something that I won’t doubt as a sign. And I went to sleep.
The next day I had a big argument with a friend that I live with (he saved my life). I went on a walk even tho he asked me not to. I live in a VERY sunny region, it never rains here. I’m out in the street already, and suddenly it starts to rain. I’m thinking to myself “wow great, love it”. But the rain was so bizzare? It came and went away in a second, as if there was a single cloud that moved on quick enough? I looked up and there was a double rainbow. Something I haven’t seen in years. ESPECIALLY in this region. I took some pictures, the clouds were beautiful aswell. It lifted my mood up a lot I went back home and moved on with my day. While getting ready to bed, it HIT ME. Was THAT my sign??? A part of my brain really doesn’t want to believe it, because.. I don’t even know? How can God be real? I find it so hard to believe, it really scares me. I’m scared, I’ve ignored him for so many years. What do I do?