u/Inevitable_Big_6204

(this is about unrequited love lol)

i don’t know where to start, because im about to open up with a really sensitive part of my life that i always tried to keep private. well not completely private but private in a way that doesn’t embarrass me if it backfires.
as every 15 year old girl does, i have a gigantic crush on this guy. everyone knows that having a crush is exhilarating, especially if the person likes you back. the bad part is the humiliation you get when you realize, “damn, i like this person way more than the person likes me.” it’s a type of shame i will carry every time i want to have a good thought about him. the embarrassment i feel when he swears we’re just friends, when he swears on god he doesn’t like me, that im not his “type”. but oh there was once a time where he loved me more than i loved him and it feels weird knowing he moved on easily and im still stuck here waiting like an idiot. i feel so stupid and disgusted with myself when i have these continuous daydreams about him and i, sometimes not even doing anything, just staring into one another’s eyes. or reminiscing the times we would text at 3 am in a very way that was not as casual as he says now. they feel good when your in the moment and when your done you sit with yourself thinking that he will never see you the same way again. if love is so powerful, so pure, why does it hurt me so much? why, after 3 years of pure torture, can i not move on? and i hate when people say, just give it time, it will come to you. when is that time? love is so precious and i did enjoy loving him as it was one of the best chapters in my life. loving you was never the embarrassing part, it was the rejection you held against me. everyone makes fun of me for loving you for 3 years but do you know the pain that comes with being so lovesick that your heart feels like it’s about to burst, your throat gets caught up and your body goes numb. i thought having a crush was supposed to be fun, not take every single opportunity or chance to control your thoughts and your emotions and your ability to move on. people downplay heartbreak a lot as if it is just silly teenager feelings but what if that silly teenager feeling gets dragged for 3 years straight? i wish i could live in my daydreams and just stay there, in his arms, peacefully, as he stroked my hair, whisper sweet nothings into my ear. but then you wake up. you wake up and all of it is not real. it’s an allusion that you built off of limerence of someone who will never see you in the same way. maybe in your dreams, but never in reality. and it’s a miserable type of sensation. why does nobody talk about unrequited love and what it can do to someone? especially when it’s one sided with someone you used to have something with, because what do you mean you already loved me once but you can’t love me again? why is he making it difficult for me to move on when we haven’t spoken or seen each other in 5 months? and i bet you throughout that entire timeline he’s thought about me zero times. when i have thought about him every, single, hour, for all of the 122 days we went through without speaking.
i don’t wanna be like those people who say love is fake, love isn’t true, love is just a joke. i know it’s true because what i have for you will always be real. daydream, or reality.

When im deep in my head i just wonder what it would be like if i genuinely passed away. i know most people would say, no, your mother will be depressed, your best friend will miss you, your siblings, your boyfriend, husband, etc, etc. they only talk about how other people will view your death and not how you truly feel. what if i don’t care that my mother will be affected? what if i just want to get rid of this pain in my chest, my heart, my head. why do i have to not kill myself on the behalf of how other people will feel about it? i may be wrong on this but it’s a point of view i’ve had for awhile. i know i won’t actually commit suicide , but i just wonder sometimes if i did, my feelings will be gone. my sensitivity will be gone, my aching unrequited love for someone who will never see me the same way will also be gone. my hatred for my dead father will be gone, my pain will be gone, my body dysmorphia will be gone, my stress about the future will be gone. it will just be me and god, head to head. i know in my religion it’s forbidden to commit suicide, but when im deep in thought, this is what i think about. like is living this life really worth it? i know, people have it worse than me. but i hate hearing that phrase because your saying just because someone has it worse than me it takes away my right to feel this way? it’s not my fault i can’t be happy like how i used to be. and it’s my parents fault for most of my feelings, most of the bad decisions that led me to these drastic changes in my life that have changed the person i used to be, and the person i want to become. i think about my younger self and i just want to apologize to her that she has such shitty parents, that she will have a shitty life, that her mother will remarry one year after her dad dies just for her to divorce him and put the blame on me for feeling a certain way about it. for coming home with a hickey on her neck and me feeling outraged about it. people always silence my rage, and my frustration and that just lets it build up even more and more, and one day when i can’t take it anymore, when it overflows and overwhelms my conscious, im going to scream. say words that will cut deeply, say im a terrible person for feeling this way. why am i a bad person for keeping my mouth shut for years? i couldn’t even tell my father how i truly felt about him because he passed away too soon. i just keep my shit to myself and im so aggravated about it. im so annoyed with life. what did i deserve to move 3000 miles away from my friends and my family, to go through grief at 13, to not be loved by the person i love because my skin color was too dark for them, to be treated unkindly by almost everyone i meet, to be seen as someone who never opens up, the dramatic one, the self absorbed one, the one who has mood swings. all these stupid ideas of who nora is. im so sick of it. all i do is feel nowadays, and if i don’t distract myself with something ill think about all my problems and start borderline sobbing. i feel so alone. i know there are people going through the same thing as me but it doesn’t comfort me knowing that, and that probably makes me look like a bad person for saying it, but it truly doesn’t make me feel any better that someone is going through the same thing as me and it’s not me against the world because it sure feels that way. where is my freedom? where is my father? where is the respect i deserve? why am i the one people come to to speak about their problems but when i want to talk about mine i get shut off, i get told that my problems are too much for them, or i just get a simple, “move on.” my mom always told me her favorite thing about me was that i move on very fast in life. i laughed at that, because if only she knew. if only anyone knew. they tell me to open up more, but i never will. i will write it down until the day i die, which hopefully is soon. because damn, you wanna hear about how i feel? well here it is.