Life with(out) her
​
This is my story what im about to tell you will hopefully help you understand who i am
I'm not a strong man. or very smart. My life had been pretty rough, growing up. As a kid we moved a lot. So much so that it almost seemed pointless for my parents to put us in school.With all the moves, my grades started to suffer and at the time i blamed myself…so did my parents. I mean can you blame me? I felt alone,The time I did spend in school was spent trying to find friends, not focus on my grades. I was looking for companionship… only to move away once I found it . I didn't bother to keep looking after the 3rd move. My parents were batshit crazy, they were far from a normal mother and father. They planted us in front of a tv while they drank all day.. and night. Leaving us to our own devices. And with the drinking came the yelling..the fighting...the noise.
My young life was nothing but my parents telling me I'm a failure and that I would never amount to anything...*scoff* wonder why..., I'm sure it was to cast blame on someone other than themselves for their own failures. As a teenager my arms were full of scars from my attempts. My attempts to please them. I thought that if I just removed myself from the picture, everything would be better… Of course I wanted to do what they say you need to do, *mockingly* reach out to a trusted friend, ask for help…but i didnt have anyone
I am a movie guy, I love movies. Growing up they felt like the family that was always there for me or the friends i could bring with me. I lived my life as if it were a movie, and I'm the main character. i dressed as the main character, i talked like the main character. I was always looking for my chance to be 'the hero', but pussing out at the last minute. Most of all I was looking for love, i was waiting for that 'meet-cute' moment that you see in the movies... that moment where i reach for a book and bump hands with a cute girl, we stumble our apogies then lock eyes,and her and fall in love and live happily-ever-after. I foolishly thought, 'Life will be so easy, just don't do what they do in the movies and you'll be okay' . I really thought that.I put all my hopes and dreams on that being true to life as I grew up. Every time I watched a movie it felt like I was living that fictional life. I'd tune out of reality and just be there in the movie, living this amazing life where it's hard at first but slowly gets better. The hero realizes his true potential and gets the girl, saves the day and...As life would have it, it slowly started to dawn on me that everything is not like the movies. With no surprise, I would be crushed by adulthood. Jobs, rent, friends coming and going with each new job. This wasn't what the movies promised but Every day felt like the beginning of a sad drama. The constant repetition of waking up, taking a shower, getting dressed, and remembering to feed the bird before I leave. This life was becoming my new normal, 'is this what reality really is?' I hated it. In the movies, a guy walks into a coffee shop and sees a girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after!
Flash forward to present day, and I'm still trying to get my life together. I have my own place, my own car, a tv. I go to the same coffee shop every day, to order the same black coffee with a muffin. Just little things to provide temporary escape, temporary.. little.. pleasures. But nothing lasted longer than that last sip or last bite. I tried everything, therapy, drugs, hell even hypnosis. Anything to feel something. Nothing. My therapist recommended I get a pet or try some new activities to distract myself "get some new hobbies."
So, I tried. I went camping,and I took a class on 'the fine art of dance" . Other than acquiring new skills, nothing worked. I felt as if my life was nothing more than some sick game played at my expense. Twists and turns Leading me down a path of one bad day after the other, one more 'fuck you' added to the pile. It felt like nothing I did was enough. Some things were out of my control but most of my problems are self-inflicted. Be it hour cuts at work one day and the next my rent is over due. Nothing seemed to be going my way or... any way, other than down.
I tried keeping to myself. head low, never make eye contact, even with the cute sounding cashier at the coffee shop. no I had no friends, most of my family was dead or dead to me. The only company I kept was the parrot I bought at my therapist's advice.
The bird. Jinx, he keeps me company, 'someone to talk to'. He likes to pick up small things he hears on the tv or something i say while I am on the phone, reminding me that I order a large pizza for myself. Jinx: "One large pizza please!." One night I stubbed my toe and screamed some rather.. adult language, only to have him repeat said things the next day in front of the girl scout at my door. But he's company non-the-less.
My days…they had gotten so repetitive, I had lost hope in everything But.. that day felt different. I felt like something was telling me to feel happy. I was happy, not really ‘happy’ but not the sad schmuck I had been; and I didn't know why. Everything was the same, I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, fed the bird and While I was doing all this I couldn't help but notice that the day seemed brighter, I wondered ‘did i get that good of sleep last night?’ and I didn't feel the need to stare at the ground. My head was up..not hiding away from people like i normally do. Something in me told me it was okay to look up, even in the rain. Everyone I passed by gave me that half assed smile you give to strangers, I returned them before because something in me didn't care. That day, with every smile I gave back was genuine. I felt happy and didn't know why.. as I was waiting in line I did start to get a little anxious, "why is everything so 'bright'?" "Why do I feel like this?" I got to the front of the line, to order my coffee, only this time.
I locked eyes with her.
Her smile was the kind of smile that made you feel happy, made you feel like it was meant only for you. Her eyes, when they looked at you, you could feel her looking back at you. You feel like you are being seen and that you matter.
For the first time in a long time, I felt something. When she spoke, for the first time I saw the face that belonged to the voice. When she asked if I wanted the usual. Whatever came out of my mouth made her giggle and she got started on my order. My heart was beating out of my chest…As I watched her make my order.. the idea of asking her out popped into my head. I thought to myself. She's amazing, she's beautiful, she's kind, she's a good person and most importantly she made me feel something. She made me feel like I mattered in that moment…
She returned with my coffee and muffin and as she set them on the counter and started ringing up my order.. I thought to myself “this is my moment” so i worked up the courage and asked her out to a cup of coffee. She giggled as I shot my head to the ground after I realized I had just asked a coffee barista out to get coffee. I knew she was the one when she said yes.
We've been dating for almost a year now, we used to go out to dinners, we would only get the best meals for.. her, because she deserved it. It was my first relationship so I might have been overdoing it at first but she means so much to me. Like every couple we had our ups and downs,and in between i even started to plan a trip. it got so bad at one point i even offered to get us separate beds; in separate rooms. She didn't like that idea. Every night was the same, get home from work, fight, eat, kiss her goodbye, bed. She started to lose hope in us ever getting better but I still wanted the relationship to work. There was talk of her needing space...she wanted to run away and stay with some friends but...you have to understand..She means so much to me.
Now obviously when you get something you haven't had all your life, you want to keep it. You want to protect it, So, I tried.
I don't think she knew how much she meant to me. She didn't know it wouldn't have worked out the way she wanted. She just assumed that things between us weren't perfect. Yeah I made mistakes but she made some too! That's normal, right? The only difference is that she judged me for my mistakes. She made me feel again and just when I started to feel like things were getting better.. she... look.. while rocky at times,I still felt like others in their relationships were nothing compared to us. They have their smiles on their faces but then you hear them argue all night long. but us, we..we were different we were SUPPOSED to be together. It might have just been the heat of the moment but I felt as if She was turning into everyone in my life that called me nothing. She said things, things that only she would know to hurt me.
Even though I was hurt I still tried pleading with her saying we can make it work but she wouldn't hear me. She just kept talking. Over me. She showed me so many new emotions, she showed me I wasn't worthless. She told me she LOVED me!
But she wouldn't listen
So I couldn't let her go.
I couldn't let the US go.
I knew sometimes after we fought we would sit down and eat. I was prepared, I was ready..I wanted to make dinner special. I made her favorite food, baked salmon-with french fries. Not very gourmet, but it was her favorite. I thought to myself, "surely she would appreciate this" Because only I knew that it was her favorite. so.... I had a plan.
It took awhile but I had finally found a way to save.. us. While things had been..not too bad, in my opinion, I needed to show her how much I loved her. I brought out the food and placed it in front of her expecting to see a joyful smile..nothing.we ate and she couldn't help but notice me staring at her every time she took a bite. So I tried asking about her day. Completely forgetting we just had a fight. She looked at me and for a moment I felt as if she was looking completely through me. I knew after the first sip of her drink, it was only a matter of time. She started to bring up something from our fight but all i could do was stare at her. and... Eventually her words started to slur and.. her head started to droop.
She wasn't scared. She smiled! It was the first time I had seen that smile in awhile... and it reminded me why I needed to fight for this relationship.
Unfortunately, I'm no doctor, I didn't know how much was too much and how much was too little so.. I started off with what I thought was a small amount, I knew it wouldn't hurt her but it did have more of an effect than i thought, i was only trying to get her into a mindset to listen to me. I just.. wanted t-to get my side of things out to her but.. it was too much... I'd have to lower the amount for the next night. She was too far gone that first night. Eventually she started to get tired so I carried her to her bed to let her sleep it off. After I put her in the bed, I couldn't help but stare at her. She opened her eyes. I felt her eyes looking into mine and for the first time in a while she smiled at me. She was happy..until her eyes rolled into the back of her...and her beautiful face went blank.
That night was a scary one for sure, but we made it through. We don't fight as much! After that night she listens, and she finally decided to move in. My life finally started to feel like it was supposed to. Yeah there were some extra steps in my daily routine but for her i would do anything.
My routine now is more or less the same, wake up, shower, get dressed, only now I make my own coffee and I buy a bag of muffins every week. Not as good as when she made it but... The coffee smell helps fill the house with a good smell, toasting the muffins helps too. Making my own coffee, making sure air fresheners are full and occasionally some bug repellent spayed in her room. It...is the stuff that i dont mind doing but.. is a big cause of our fights nowadays if I forget.
We have been living together for a few months, a couple times i forgot to fill an air freshener or i didnt want a muffin only to come home to the smell of burnt coffee and..look
I love Elizabeth....more than anything..but..i couldn't take her to the hospital that night...even when her body started to spasm.. if i went to the hospital they would have known it was me that gave her the drug and.. Then they would’ve taken her. From me.
I couldn't let that happen... them taking her. That's not how my story is supposed to end.I couldn't let them change my story! Change my happy ending!? No...I couldn't let them take the only thing that made me feel anything...but it has been a few months...she doesnt look like she used to...despite my best efforts to stave off the decomposition.
I love her. And no matter what..I will always love her. In the beginning we fought but now...She was worried that things between us wouldn't work. She.. never listened to me when i would tell her 'things will work out'..but now! We have never been happier. I tell her that I will always take care of her. That I will always love her....so..I WILL take care of her. And I will love her.. forever..now we can be together. Forever.
[Jinx ] forever!