u/InkAndAfterThoughts

I (25F) had a top surgery in November, 2025. Yes, I am a woman and I had a top surgery cause my surgery was about gaining bodily autonomy. Not having breast doesn’t make anyone any less of a woman!

To give everyone some context, as soon as I started developing breasts it made me feel deeply uncomfortable. It wasn’t something I could just ignore or learn to live with, it was a constant reminder of something unwanted. It affected how I moved through the world, how I saw myself, and especially how I experienced intimacy. I genuinely believed I would never be able to feel confident in my own body until I got my top surgery. The cages were indeed mental.

When I was dating my first girlfriend, I couldn’t even take my top off around her. She wasn’t kind about my insecurities either, and some of the things she said stuck with me for a long time. Later partners were much more understanding. They respected my boundaries and never pressured me, but that discomfort was always there in the background.

The last time I had sex was in 2024. That year, I went through two situationships that completely changed how I view dating and relationships. One person ended things abruptly, and while it hurt, I could accept it. The second situation was very different. We had been talking for a while, things seemed promising, and she appeared emotionally available. Eventually we slept together. Afterwards, while we were literally lying there cuddling, she ended things. She gave me no explanation and no real reason. I was shocked. I kept asking myself what had happened and whether I’d done something wrong. Later I found out she had actually been involved with someone else the entire time, and they went public about a month later. That experience single handily destroyed my confidence (regarding dating and sexual intimacy).

I poured everything into recovering. I focused on saving money, preparing for surgery, and rebuilding my confidence. I convinced myself that once I finally got top surgery and felt comfortable in my body, things would get better. I thought dating would become easier. I thought I’d finally be able to enjoy intimacy without constantly feeling self-conscious.

But that’s not what happened. Instead, I find myself feeling lonelier than ever. Dating has been difficult. I’ve tried approaching women, and sometimes conversations change the moment they learn about my anatomy. I have always been hesitant about approaching lesbians thinking not having a fully functional female autonomy might turn them off (and rightfully so). I’ve spoken to bisexual and pansexual women too, but on several occasions the dynamic became awkward after those discussions. I’m always honest because I don’t want anyone to feel misled.

I’m only interested in sharing intimacy with people with vaginas, and while I’m completely comfortable with toys and other forms of intimacy, involvement with an actual penis isn’t something I’m personally interested in (just by thinking of it makes me feel very repulsive)

The strange thing is that despite wanting intimacy and connection so badly, I’ve never actually had an orgasm. I don’t really know how to masturbate properly, and whenever I’ve tried, nothing seems to happen. At 25, that’s something I feel embarrassed admitting, but it’s true.

What I imagined after surgery and what my reality looks like now are very different things. I finally have the body I fought so hard to feel comfortable in. I can do things I never thought I’d be able to do before. Yet I still find myself lying awake at night feeling lonely, sexually frustrated, and wondering whether I’ll ever find someone who genuinely wants me and chooses me.

I don’t regret my surgery for a second. It was absolutely the right decision. But I think I underestimated how much of my loneliness wasn’t coming from my body at all. It was coming from wanting connection, wanting intimacy, wanting to be desired, and wanting someone to stay. And right now, I honestly don’t know how to reach that point.

I’d especially love to hear from other lesbians, queer women and NB people who’ve struggled with body image, intimacy, or late sexual exploration. How did you navigate it?