I don't know how to make friends.
I am 17F and on Saturday I went to my junior prom. Going into high school I had friends but some turned out to be bad people and the others were older than me. I have two friends I still talk to at my school but I go to a smaller program off of the main campus so I don't see them. I only started attending the smaller program this year because I have really bad anxiety and because of it I don't go to school a lot. I like it here better than being on the main campus but I have no friends. I sit in a room alone and do my work.
I haven't really had a problem with it until this weekend. I went to prom with one of my friends from main campus and we pretty much just sat in the corner the whole time. Everyone else was with a big group of friends or their date. I couldn't really enjoy it because all I could think about the whole time was how much I wish I was someone else. Its been making me think about how much I feel like I'm not living how I want to.
Everyday I go to school and don't talk to anyone, then I go home to an empty room because I don't live with my parents, and I might call my sisters or online friends to talk, then I go to work which I don't like my job, and I do it everyday. I just feel like although I have my sisters and online friends I don't really get much in person socialization. I know it is my fault because I can't figure out how to talk to people and I don't have my license, but I don't know what to do.
I don't want to live my life thinking about what I could be doing or what I should've said. I think I should go on anxiety meds but medication that alters your behavior scares me. I'm not good at taking my other medication and I've seen what can happen when people are on and off of medicine like that. I think the anxiety is also effecting me physically. I believe it is the cause of my dry eyes because they get worse when I'm anxious, I have a red dry patch on my face that also gets worse and hurts more when I am anxious, and it makes me feel like I have to pee constantly even if I don't actually.
I don't want to put all my hope into things getting better if I go on meds because I don't want to be let down and I don't want to have to rely on pills to make me function. I feel like I am constantly making an effort to get better and be happy but I never get a result.