I want to give up
Everyone has given up on me.
My parents my sister and my whole family , they think that all I do is stay up late at night , scroll and sleep all day. But I genuinely study at night even if not all night i do study many hours.
However It was my second drop year so.. even I dont believe in myself much anymore …
I’m just so tired of it all.
I have repeatedly failed this exam even when I tried my best.
I used to be a very bright student and everybody had really high hopes that I would do something exceptional in life, 95% in 10th grade (100 in science) took pcmb In 12th and scored 91% with 96 and 95 in chem and bio respectively.. everything was going all right but then came my drop years.. I wasted my drop years overthinking and being depressed .. it was my own fault, I know that.
But sometimes I do want to try again and fight again but it seems like I am all alone these days.. nobody is on my side.. everytime I see my family I can see the disappointment and shame in their eyes their words and their body language..it’s like they don’t even wanna talk to me anymore and all they expect is the worst of me. They just think I’m a loser who has no future.its like I can’t even smile around them cause they believe I don’t deserve to be happy and should be ashamed of who I have become.
Everything has changed.
Everybody has changed... this exam ..and my mistake has changed my whole life.
Even when I think about trying again and giving my best I just physically and mentally can’t continue anymore and just wanna disappear forever.
I wanna do this for myself .. but what’s the point of it if they only love me when I have become someone only they deem worthy.
I always used to believe family is supposed to stand by you during your worst times. They believe in you even when the whole world has given up on you.
But my family has only cared about me when I was useful to them , when I scored good marks and when they could show me off….
I can’t live in this home anymore I just want to go far far away from here and be with people who see me more than just my achievements.
It extremely saddens me that the people I love has become so bitter and against me that I don’t even have the courage to study for this exam again.
Deep down I do believe that I have what it takes to clear this exam because even in the past I have always found a way ,
but it feels like the weight of this exam has been made too heavy for me to carry by my own family.