I replay what-if scenarios again and again for closure
So this bizarre thing happened with me recently. It’s like you give and give and give your all, and still the other person judges you, hovering the knife around your neck whenever it seems plausible for them.
How someone can go through that much suffering, avoidance, and emotional abuse and still not cut ties and wish for closure is beyond me.
That someone is me. And I don’t want to victimize myself, but I just want to say that I have waited for people worthy of my loyalty and giving nature. But I never found one. Not in friendships nor in relationships.
Now, deep down, I’m starting to question myself. The constant bombardment of self-judgment and “what ifs” overworks my brain, and I don’t know what to do with these thoughts.
I daydream a lot, thinking and imagining scenarios that will never happen, or replaying situations in my mind again and again just to get that one hundredth second of comfort and closure. I’m a slave to my mind, and I know I’m wasting my time. But it feels so good. Like I’m relieved and finally justice has been served.
I feel like I can say anything and do anything in these scenarios, and I feel free and happy in them. But as soon as I’m out of it, I dread my life again.
I dread those moments of having nothing to do, or having too much to do that I end up doing nothing at all. And when I don’t want to drown in those thoughts, I just sleep or scroll on my phone.
It has gotten so bad that I dive deep into those thoughts even while standing still.
What is happening? I just don’t want to dwell on “what ifs.” I want to get to that state of not giving a flying flck. But I’m not able to.
I’ve read books like The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, but still, I care. I care every time. I care about whether people like me or not. I’m a people pleaser.
I just want to understand: is this normal? And what can I do to become better or feel normal again?