Hey, I’m a 28 year old male who was raised in the Baptist Church. When I was 14 I became an atheist and was quite militant but in a friendly way and stayed that way until I was 18 and started smoking meth with a friend who, through many drug fueled conversations converted me back. I got deeply in to apologetics and that faith is what got me through rehab and to stay sober.
After that I went out on my own and started to do the thing I do where I research everything and once again became an atheist who only accepted naturalism. I’m at the point now after doing plenty of psychedelics and research that I’m still an atheist but mostly agnostic.
I have vivid, narrativized dreams every single night that I almost always remember. They feel realer than real life. It’s like I’m living in different lives every time I go to bed. It feels somehow supernatural and I’m starting to suspect consciousness is more than just the sum of physical parts.
Anyway that’s some background. I’ve always been fascinated with witchcraft. When I was little I left my email logged in to my dad’s computer and he saw an email about some witchcraft thing I signed up for and talked to me about how that stuff was dangerous etc. All that did was fuel my interest. I’ve tried many times to make myself believe in magic and spells etc but I’m just too rational for my own good and don’t see any verifiable evidence for it.
I think part of me is a bit closed off to anything beyond naturalism because of the trauma of realizing the faith I was raised in wasn’t true. It was hard to go my own way when I was 14 and make it clear I didn’t believe in God. Fortunately I didn’t lose any friends but some did argue with me a lot. My dad handled it gracefully and would discuss why he believes with me and I’d say why I didn’t. He was a good Christian
My mom on the other hand (they’re divorced) who never goes to church was arguing with me one night about something my youth pastor said to my buddy Michael. He had said “your mom” to something Michael said and Michael was deeply hurt because his mom left him for drugs. Anyway, I kept telling my mom I don’t wanna go back to that church and she finally asked “why not” and I just shouted “I don’t believe in God.” She called a psych hospital 😂
Needless to say, I’m skeptical of everything now. But I want to get in to witchcraft and I’m not sure where to start. The only benefit I can see from a naturalism perspective is that you’re doing these rituals and using items in a way that they become symbolic. Your subconscious picks up on those intentions and the ritual and subtly guides you toward that goal. Kind of how Lavey viewed it
I want to believe in more than just the natural world though
Can anyone give me some tips? Should I just Google random spells?