u/Jackal_the_miserable

Hello, This is quite of a paradoxical story, I don't look for compassion but just hear me out, I'm a 27-year-old male who got an engineering degree in industrial engineering by age 25, I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I never thought I would get a job etc, half of my brothers are addicted, grew up in blood, mom died of cancer in 2017, I didn't enjoy life when I was a kid but yet I had the opportunity to go to cyber at that time, enjoyed technology etc and I became an internet introvert which helped me cope as a kid, was comparing myself to others around me at some point how they have supportive families (not saying mine was not it's just my father does not have the means, but he gave everything he could from buying us laptops at some point etc..) the thing is those around me were traveling not having an addicted at home threatening them with a knife... Short story long, and fast forward to when I finished my studies and started working my salary was about 8000 MAD, it looks good right, I was excited now I get to live, but I'm not going to, the salary was more than enough as a start but with the rent and calling my father who did nothing wrong I felt stressed all the time, and with that stress and feeling hollow the feeling of wanting more or to give my father so much than he can expect it grew in me little by little till it turned to greed I started gambling, first time I started with 1000 MAD and I lost it then made it back then lost it with the anxiety and staying awake my head switched off and I started chasing losses until I woke up in a sec found out the whole salary blew up, I was panicking so scared didn't know what to do my mental was devastated, but yet I got through it somehow paid the rent, friends helped, fast forward again two months later I started feeling like I'm behind and god only knows it's like my mind switched off and I found myself depositing money again to gamble and you know what happened, fast forward two years I was like I just started working (I wish I stayed at that state at least I could start from zero), I kept chasing and making bad decisions and I looked like a zombie without sleep, family noticed nothing is changing in my life and they started making questions, I hid that from myself because at some point I was living in agony every day hating myself, I helped with little that I could but I could've helped them more and have a ton of savings, fast forward to this year where I'm gonna throw my whole life and destroy every bit of hope, I found myself at the bank taking a loan of 80000 MAD, this time started depositing from Binance, I won 60000 MAD and managed to lose it all with the loan I took, my guts stopped, I started throwing up, friends that were close to me they went to France and I'm here all alone no one even to talk to, I thought of finishing it but I remembered that I should pay the loan first and help my father who is 70 now just enough before doing anything else... I know what I did and I know that I'm worse than my addicted brothers way too much and I'm living the consequences, jumping out scared at night, not going out at all, scared at work if I'm gonna slip out, my confidence is nearly 0 living in constant burnout, can't change even my work to pay the loan faster, because I can’t even develop my skills, my physical feels horrible, constant burnout and heat in my body, can't sleep even with sleeping pills I keep having panic attacks... I don't have the luxury to complain, I have to help my father and I have to pay the loan, I have to work with all of these feelings.