Sudden Loss of my Long-Distance Partner
Hey all. I wanted to share this story. Maybe it'll help me deal with grief, maybe I just want to memorialize how amazing this person was.
So, I met this girl in the Christianity subreddit, she had posted a question about what order to read the Bible in. I shared a couple short paragraphs worth of thoughts about it, and we went back and forth a couple times in that thread. Eventually we moved to talking in DMs and this was a couple days of having deep talks for HOURS about religion and philosophy. I come from a Christian background but am now interested in Hermeticism, she was raised under Hinduism. Safe to say we had no shortage of things to discuss, and interestingly there are certain Hermetic teachings that are not dissimilar to Hinduism, so cultural barriers were not such a big issue for us.
We pretty much exhausted the conversation after a while so we stopped talking for a bit but THANK GOD she reached out to me again asking me something about the destruction of the Amalekites, so we talked about that for a while but over the next week or so we transitioned to talking about our lives and feelings and whatnot. Then one morning I'm texting with her like normal, but she tells me she's having an anxiety attack. So, I help her the best I can and through this process is where I start developing feelings. I felt so much closer afterwards. I even one day was nearly an hour late to work and the only thing I could say was "I was up late talking to a girl."
Then there's this weird phase where I felt like I was getting mixed signals about the nature of the relationship. On paper we are friends, but I felt like the way we acted with each other was like more than that. Like I remember one morning I woke up to the messages: "Heyyyyy," and "Wake uppppppp." I ask her if she needs something, so she says she's just checking on me. I tell her I'm just sleepy, and she replies, "and grumpy." These sorts of things happened repeatedly, the most prominent example I have is when I was complaining about my job, I shared an image of Kermit the frog snorting coke with a caption saying "me tonight." She asked if I actually did any drugs, to which I replied "no, never," then she replies with "That's a good boyyy." HUHH?! Friends don't say that to friends!
So, that weekend, I initiated a conversation about the nature of the relationship, and she told me she just wanted to be friends. I was as confused as I was heartbroken. I spoke with my friends about it and came to the conclusion that she liked me but had some trauma and didn't want a relationship to get in the way of her education. Eventually, though, we formed a relationship and things were really amazing. She'd constantly be sending me reels on Instagram, so I'd have a million videos to watch when I was done with work. We shared our deepest thoughts and feelings, we daydreamed together about having a life together, getting married and having children and all that. From the very beginning of loving her, I always felt like one lifetime wouldn't be enough to experience all the happiness she could bring into my life.
One of the better things about her is that she saw great potential in me where I couldn't. She always told me I was smart and that I would make an amazing therapist, that I had to go to college. So, she started pushing me to get my education going. She pushed me to improve myself in a lot of ways, but this was the biggest. Everything was on track to be ready for term starting at the end of august, but in mid-July she was complaining about stomach pains, and she eventually went to the hospital, and she told me that she loved me, in case she died. :( She had an appendectomy and was released, but there was a complication and now she's gone.
I feel so lost and angry and confused. How can someone so amazing come into my life and transform me in such a way and then just when I was about to do the thing she wanted me to do the most, she's suddenly gone? The first week was full of crying but now I just stare blankly at the wall for hours at a time. I have no idea how to handle these feelings of grief, and I really don't know how to move on. Even of someone new comes along, it's not her. from a young age, my life has been marked by abandonment, and I had a pervasive feeling of somehow being cursed to be alone forever. There's a small part of me that feels like I am responsible. Since I knew that I was cursed this way, I should have known she would be killed for my selfish weakness, desiring of love and happiness. I don't know why I thought I could be happy. I'm sure that any new relationships will be full of resentment. Resenting the new woman for not being the one I made all those promises to.
My sole piece of solace is the thought that she's watching over me, and that she knows how much I love her when she sees me cry, and that she can be sure that all the work she put into me wasn't for nothing.