I spent my whole life wanting to be a teacher. Now I’m realizing I might not actually want to be one
Today I was back to school after 2 years of absence (1 1/2 for burn out and the last six months I had a desk job not related to education).
I was a a french and history high school teacher (in a country that speaks french). I love to teach but I don't like the disciplinary aspect of it. I don't like to deal with unmotivated students, even if I understand so much why they're not invested (I was not myself so...).
The four first years were hellish. I would end up crying more often than not and get a bunch of anxiety symptoms (rumination, insomnia, etc.). I left the job three times for burn out.
At first I was so sure the problem was my anxiety. So I've begun therapy (currently in) and it helped, a lot.
The last job I had, I had 0 anxiety even if I found the job so boring. But with my anxiety gone, I wanted to try teaching again. Because I like teaching (to motivated students only apparently)
Fast forward to today: almost no anxiety (a normal amount for the first day I would say) but man...I think I really don't like to deal with unmotivated kids. But, at the same time, I think the school system isn't at all suited to the majority of students.
I think I just couldn't admit that, in fact, I don't like that aspect of teaching. Ever since I was little, I've said I want to be a teacher. And my mom pushed me so hard in that direction that it became part of who I am. Plus, I know I do a great job with the students. But I just don't like it.
I feel so scared right now. On top of that, I have ADHD, I'm gifted and have an affection of the connective tissues that causes chronic tiredness (all of three diagnosed, maybe there is more? I'm 31, I have plenty of time to find out) so I'm scared to never find something where I fit.
Do you have any advice?