TRESPOOPING
WARNING: I don't know the meaning of brevity, so this will be a long read. I think it's worth it in the end butt ymmv. 😉
So...yesterday morning, my husband wakes me up as he goes storming out of the house in a fury. Apparently, he glanced up at the view from one of our security cameras and saw a dude hunkering down in the dirt, visibly calling and gesturing to our cat, who had just slunk into the other end of the alley.
Now, we've had several reports of people whose cats have gone missing from our neighborhood recently, so we're a little on edge.
The cat was already making his way back to our yard, and the guy was gone by the time my husband got out there, so it was all fine and dandy. Until we replayed the footage.
I watch as this arguably normal looking dude just strolls on into our alley, with no real apparent hurry, and seemingly without an obvious care in the world, proceeds to just casually drop trou and commence taking a shit.
In the bright morning sunlight. Up against the apartment building wall, in the space between two bedroom windows and facing half a dozen more, including my own--and my son's.
This nasty motherfucker straight brazenly doing his disgusting business out there in full view of the public. Fucking foul. Disturbingly, on the replay, I could see what appears to be one of my neighbors looking out of their window the whole time, at the action taking place below.
It doesn't explain his casual no-rush attitude, but maybe this guy had explosive diarrhea and had no place better to go. I really don't know. Supporting this theory is the even more disturbing discovery of the stain he left sprayed all up on the wall behind him.
It wasn't there when he began, but afterward, there is a clearly visible dark stain pattern on the wall directly above and behind where he was crouching. It's not pee because he never faces that way at any time while hunkered with pants down. Unless...he somehow... could've... directed the spray backward? Even though both of his hands were obviously extended at either side of him, being used to hold himself steady and in full view on the wall behind him the whole time?
Well. At least he wiped, with some sheets of paper towel he had smartly thought to have prepared beforehand, and which, I'd like to note, are still lying there crumpled up in the alley dirt, right where he dropped them afterwards. So there's that, I guess.
No clue if he had some hand sanitizer with him or some other plan for afterward to clean his hands off later. It really pains me greatly to think that perhaps this was an unscheduled revision to his Mad Pooper scheme, why he was trying to call my cat over.
With his beautiful, luxuriously soft coat of fur, my cat might have appeared like an alluringly timely vision of fluffiness, an irresistibly perfect invitation to wipe dirty shitfingers on. Shudder.
Word of the day: "SHITFINGERS".
Would've been hilarious if it wasn't horrifying. But, at least my cat wasn't dumb enough to fall for any of this guy's shitty tricks: he took off and wanted no part of him.
Well, that's not entirely true. After the Pooper departed, my cat came back to the alley and had a good sniff around the befouled area. Judging by his disgruntled demeanor, my cat was rather confused by the whole experience, I must say. Seemed to half-heartedly want to attempt to bury it all, but immediately changed his mind and scattered off again.
Now I know why, years ago, when we first moved in, my crazy ex landlord/neighbor painted that notice on the apartment courtyard wall facing out onto my street.
Especially when you consider that at the time, none of my neighbors even had pets.
Word of the Day #2: "TRESPOOPING".
I need to move.
Bonus story: Also last week, my husband was walking back home from the store, where there's a government employment office on the corner of the shared parking lot, with loud speakers on each corner of the building.
And usually, when he walks through the lot, the speakers all activate and say something like, "WARNING! THIS IS PRIVATE PROPERTY! NO TRESPASSING!" Or whatever.
But on this particular evening, he's walking through the lot, our cat walking alongside with him (having followed him all the way to the store and waited outside for my hubby to come back out) and as they walk by, the speakers crackle to life...
And this time it's nothing but a series of loud, varied, realistic FART NOISES coming out of them.
Hubby said the cat jumped up so high in the air when the first one came trumpeting out.
Fucking WOW. Just wow.
That's pretty damn funny...but...I think I really need to move.