Going through a crisis with the devastating realization that I have no one
This is going to be a lot and I’m going to be a complete disaster case for a minute. Partially to just get it all off my chest but also because I want whoever reaches out for a genuine connection to have a bit of an understanding of what they are getting into.
I have spent the past few years working on myself. I have managed to work through and cut out the abuse I went through and the people responsible. I am incredibly proud of myself for doing this but it’s been hard realizing that I don’t have anyone. That the people I surrounded myself with didn’t care about me for me. It's been painful watching as the people I have poured myself into be offended or angry when I ask for a little in return. When I set boundaries or ask for my own needs to be met they act as if I’ve changed completely into someone they can’t stand to be around. And in some ways they aren’t wrong.
Over the past week I realized that my husband is among them. I can’t breath it hurts so bad. We’ve been together for 18 years married for 13. He’s a good person. He’s hard working, provides well for our family, he’s an amazing father and I have no doubts that he loves me. And I love him. But he refuses to meet my needs. And I don’t think I’m asking too much. Just small things like dates just the two of us maybe once a month or if we are hanging out playing a game I want to play or watching a show I want to watch instead of him always choosing. Fuck I’d be happy if he’d simply ask me about my day every once in a while. He only seeks me out when he wants something. When he wants to ramble on about work or a project he's working on but if I try to do the same he is very clearly annoyed or even just tells me he doesn’t care about whatever I’m talking about. He and his family are the only people I have left. And I’m not stupid enough to think that if I walk away any of them will give a damn about me.
If anyone has made it this far thank you. I know I’m a lot. I feel better. A bit more pathetic but better. I promise that I’m not always a complete trainwreck. I truly just want a friend. Someone to share the little things that brighten the day. Someone to ramble to about nothing important. And yeah someone to vent to every now and then when it feels like the world is collapsing. I’d be more than happy to do the same as long as there is give and take.
If anyone still wants to reach out here is a little about myself. I’m 33 and a mother of 2. I’m an artist. I love music, current favorites are Hozier, Noah Kahan, and Mumford and Sons. I like video games. I’m currently playing through Horizon Forbidden West with God of War Ragnarok and Expedition 33 on my list. I also enjoy hiking. I know that a lot of the messages I’m about to get will be from people who didn’t read this. So if you do reach out tell me a little about yourself, some things we might have in common, and your favorite color. Mine is light blue. Specifically the color of the sky at the horizon on a clear sunny day.