Grieving past self
Hi everyone. I just thought I’d share my experience with you all in hopes I can find more people like me.
In February of last year, I had my first episode. I had just recovered from a horrible illness. I had never fainted, or gotten close to it before. I couldn’t sit still my head was spinning and I was on the verge of passing out. I was terrified, I had no idea what it was. I went to the doctors and they told me anxiety so clearly something was wrong with me if it was just anxiety.
March last year, episodes daily, fear daily, poor quality of life. I was living in constant fear of me dying or passing out, it was exhausting. I ended up in derealisation for the entire month. This is where the grief mainly starts.
After having that month of derealisation, I have never felt fully normal again. I feel as though I will never feel normal again. Constantly I am realising that I do not feel real and feel like I am floating through life. I don’t know if this is worse than the episodes themselves.
Essentially I miss being able to do everything I used to. I miss not having to take any precautions before I go places, or ensure that I’m hydrated, or that I’ve slept, or that I’m not too hot or too cold. It is exhausting. I just wish I was the person I was before all of this happened.