u/Kitchen_Let5377

Always thought 21 was old.

Not even just that, but always thought juice would’ve been so much older than 21. He looked a solid 25. Would’ve believed he was 24-27, and all the stuff he was talking about in his music and things he went through and saw by the age of 21 is absurd.

First song that got me listening to him was legends. Started listening in around december 2018 if I remember correctly, it was eighth grade and I was like 13.

Now he is by miles the most listened to artist and favorite musician/rapper/artist ever. Not even close. Released, unreleased, all that it’s just so good I still find songs I haven’t heard and get hooked on them.

But by the age of 21 he did this and he had just turned 21 it’s insane, and still is to think that I’m older now than he was when he passed. Listened to his music when I was going through stuff too as he had, for example the song Fast and the lyric “I go through so much I’m 19 years old” I remember listening to that when I was 19, and similar things of the sort it’s just surreal because he seemed like so old and this like ghost back in the day

Alright, let me preface this by saying this is NOT my story. This story was posted 4-5 years ago on an anonymous account, and the profile has since been deleted. But I stumbled across it by accident 2 days ago, and bro… I have consumed hundreds, maybe thousands of stories even. I have NEVER been so baffled by a story in my life. According to the narrator, this was real by the way. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It sounds weird by the title, did to me too, but I gave it a read. Just wanted to share it somewhere, haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for some reason. Prepare yourself. I wasn’t prepared. Here’s the story:

Please do not judge me until you've read the whole post. It's going to be a long one. TL;DR will be at the bottom. Yes, this is a throwaway account.

I've never spoken about this until now, not to anyone.

I guess it started when we were kids. I was ways the cool, dorky, favorite older cousin. We spent a lot of time together, and became really attached and clingy, in a cute kidsy way. She used to say the same things most kids say when they're young, that when she got older she wanted to marry me one day, etc. I explained to her that since we're cousins, it doesn't work that way, and we can't marry each other. This explanation seemed to do the trick for a few years, until she found out I was adopted as a baby. This information rocked her world because, even though everyone else in the family knew, somehow she had never heard it mentioned. From then on, she kind of adopted a "we're not really related anyway" attitude. This comes into play later.

As we grew, the physical closeness between us never really went away. We were still clingy, huggy and cuddly with each other. Never inappropriately so, but just unusually so. This closeness intensified during a period in which we both developed emotional problems. Her home life was not so peachy keen, and neither was mine. Having a few years on her and having gone through a lot of the same problems already, we really leaned on each other for support and developed a deep emotional connection.

Both of us had social anxiety and did not like attending our large, chaotic family functions. Every time I failed to show up to one, I'd be greeted with a barrage of text messages from her asking where I was. When we were both present at a holiday or birthday party, we would usually find some excuse to run off together and chit chat alone. When we weren't alone together, we'd be texting each other private jokes from across the dinner table. The feeling when we were together became intoxicating. My heart strings felt a constant, agonizing pulling. I can only guess at whether or not she felt the same way. For the next couple of days, we would text constantly until the conversation trailed off, as if the spell was broken and we went back to our normal lives. I'd think, "She doesn't really want me bothering her. She has friends cooler than I am." Then we would see each other again the whole process would repeat.

This is when I started to realize my feelings for her were deeper than just normal familial bonds. I was crushing, no matter how hard I tried to deny it. Being the older one, I felt a strong responsibility never to let my feelings be known. I didn't know whether she was on the same page as me or not, and didn't want to ruin our relationship. I also didn't want to tear apart our family unit, which I highly valued. So I went into denial mode. Even so, I couldn't stay away from her. Besides, nobody else had seen anything improper about our kinship, so there couldn't be an issue, right?

Enter her mother, a real piece of work. She told her daughter one day that the way were all over each other was "disgusting" and that she needed to "stay away from me if she knew what was good for her." My cousin texted me, apparently pretty upset about it herself. I was crushed that someone could think that I would take advantage of a person I loved. That's not me at all. I was a straight-a student of a high moral character. This didn't stop us from spending private time together (though her parents both started trying to cut in and stop us from continuing to speak privately), but it certainly cooled my jets and made me second guess myself. Maybe my cousin realized how I felt and this was her way of telling me to keep my distance? Maybe she was upset as I was about what her mother said and just didn't want suspicion on us so we could keep doing our usual thing? I have no idea, and it still troubles me to this day.

As time went on, she got a boyfriend and I had a few girlfriends. I never stopped having feelings for her, but I put them on the back burner. She had the strange habit of hijacking my phone, messaging all of my girlfriends, and vetting them for me. I honestly found this endlessly amusing. Some passed, some failed. I'd always have to say "It's my cousin. We're close and she's very protective. I think she has a crush on me. Ignore it." Meanwhile, my relationships kept failing (I sure know how to pick 'em) and she kept the same boyfriend for almost two years. During this time period, her sister was single and needed a prom date. Cousin's reply? "Just take OP, we're not really related anyway." Sister was not amused.

Around this time, Cousin and I managed to sneak away during a holiday and have a very long talk. She was bored and suggested we ask each other random and stupid questions. I had also been crushing on a straight guy (I'm bi), and made a comment in response to some question that I know what it's like to want something you can't have. Cousin replied, "Is it me?" And then burst out laughing. This is another incident that weighs heavily on my mind. I don't know whether to read it as her laughing at the idea of me having romantic feelings for her, or asking a question she's been wanting to and laughing uncontrollably at expressing it. My biggest regret in life is denying it. "Of course not," I replied. "What are you, on drugs?" I wish I had asked her what was so funny about that idea. Or said sarcastically, Walter White Style, "You got me." I'll probably regret denying it until my dying day.

Things came to a head for me during my cousin's sixteenth birthday party blowout. I was single at the time, and had the (dis)pleasure of meeting Cousin's boyfriend. I was shocked to see he looked like me. Same frame, same build, similar features, same taste in clothing. It was unnerving to say the least. Apparently, he thought so too. He reacted with a strange aggression toward me throughout the entire evening. At one point, I roped cousin in for a dance. Nothing romantic or slow. In fact, if memory serves, it may have been Billie Jean by Michael Jackson. He wound up staring at me with hateful eyes and dancing around us. His jealousy was so visible, several family members had to step in and say "Hey, relax! He's just her cousin!" This was definitely a sign to me that something was off.

I found myself becoming more and more unraveled as the night went on, and ultimately had to excuse myself to the rest room. Inside, I had something of a revelation. I realized that I was beyond just crushing on my cousin. I was in love with her. I couldn't see my life without her in it. I wanted to be with her, not just emotionally, but romantically, physically. Here was a girl who had been put down all her life by her parents, by her friends, and even (by her own account) her boyfriend. I wanted her to feel like she mattered, and that she was beautiful, and worthy of something. I think I was one of the few people who made her feel that way about herself. And she made me feel the same way, as if I could do anything and be anyone. I could be stronger if it was for her. I wound up becoming so emotionally destressed, that I wound up leaving the party early without saying goodbye to anyone. I couldn't cope with the feelings I was having. I needed to get away.

We didn't see each other for a while. About three months later, she started calling in the middle of the night, crying. She was having fights with her boyfriend. He was saying things that made her feel terrible. I tried to comfort her, and tell her that she wasn't being treated right. I told her she needed to stand up for herself, but she didn't have the strength to do it. This happened once or twice more, until she called me to tell me that he had broken up with her. She was crushed, and I was confused.

I was still single, and my feeling for her were as strong as they ever were. I told her that she was loved, and that she was beautiful, and fun, and funny, and that she deserved better than that lousy bum. I told her how amazing I thought she was and that he was a dope for leaving her. She kept on the phone with me for over an hour. In that moment, my heart was pounding. It was to me as if she were just waiting for me to say "If it were me, I would treat you better. I love you." My chest felt like it was was bursting at the seems, but I knew I had to be supportive in that moment.

My judgement was not to let my feelings interfere. I also still felt the same moral responsibility I had felt years earlier. I was 19 to her 16. If I ever did tell her how I felt, I thought strongly that it must wait until we were both adults and the time was right, or she initiated the conversation. These middle of the night phone calls wound up being another event that weight heavy on my mind. Was she waiting for me to confess my love to her, or was she only looking for support from someone she trusted? Or both? I don't know, and the not knowing haunts me to this day.

She wound up with another boyfriend who looked like me, and I stayed more or less single. Things stayed status quo between us for the next few years. Boyfriend #2 never came around, and her and I would cosy up together and have our secret talks at family get-togethers. A few years later (she was 19 and I was 22), I was starting a new evening job in a beach town and was nervous, so I asked her to come down and spend a nice summer day with me taking in some attractions and getting a good meal while I dropped off paperwork. This was mainly to get my mind off my nerves, no ulterior motives. I offered to invite her sister too, but she said no and that she would prefer it to be just us. Nice. We had never gotten to spend a day away from the family and just talk freely.

Now, I'd taken a number of girlfriends to dates down at this beach town, and none of them ever went half as well as my day with cousin. We walked for miles and miles, talking and laughing and just having a grand time. She bitched about her boyfriend, turns out he had a lot of the same flaws as the last one. I bitched about my job and phony people I knew. We didn't even "do" all that much together as far as attractions go. But it was a perfect day. On the way to dinner, she suddenly brought up something I wasn't expecting. "Hey, remember that conversation we had a few years ago?" She couldn't help but laugh at the mention of it, and I knew she was talking about when she asked if it was her I wanted but couldn't have I figured she was just teasing me, and replied with a laugh, "Yeah, you must have been on drugs that day." "Maybe I was," she replied, laughing. I didn't push the conversation further, but God, I wish I had now.

We didn't see each other in person for another six months. It was a holiday again. This is when the game finally changed. We sat next to each other on the couch, and I put my head on her shoulder. Nothing unusual for us. She took out her phone and starting watching a video. I straightened up, but didn't want to lose physical contact with her. Don't ask me why (as I'd never done anything like this with her before), but I put my hand on her thigh. Not in a creepy way or in an uncomfortable place, but just on the top of her leg. She put her head on my shoulder, and I started stroking the top of her leg with my thumb. This was unusually intimate, even for us. She didn't seem to mind. She never told me to stop, or tried to pull away, she just let it happen.

Hours later, she was on the couch and I was sitting on the floor in front of her. She reached down and cupped my face, running her hands through my beard. I was totally enthralled in the touch of her hands. She insisted I come up and join her on the couch. When I did, she cuddled right up to me and held my hand, tracing my fingers with hers. It wasn't sexual, but it was the most intimate and erotic moment of my life. They say that when emotions grow too large, music is the only way you can express yourself. Well, I had music in my ears. "I've seen a lot, I mean *a lot*, but now, I'm like sweet seventeen a lot. Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered am I."

The energy between us seemed to change. As soon as she got home, she was texting me. But this time, the conversation never trailed off. We continued on like that for four straight weeks, all day every day. We never talked about love or romance (other than her complaining about her boyfriend and saying she had recently gone on birth control), but we made plans to start seeing a lot more of each other. This was the moment, I said to myself. She must feel the same way I do. I'm going to tell her I love her, and I don't know what's going to happen, but I have to at least try after all these years.

We never saw each other again. The day we had made plans, her life was taken in a car accident on her commute to work. It's been over a year and a half since then. Sometimes, I feel fine. Other times, the pain of her loss is unbearable. Every night this week, I've dreamed of her. Sometimes, it's pleasant. Sometimes, it's brutal. Recently, it's been the latter. In every dream, I tell her I love her. Her reactions are mixed. Sometimes she knows and she feels the same way. Other times she doesn't and is disgusted by me. Sometimes she says she knew but doesn't feel the same way anymore. Last night, she told me she felt the same way but wanted me to share her with her boyfriend. It's all very disturbing.

Now that you've read my tale, judge me all you want. You can say that I was amoral, mentally disturbed, whatever you think. I feel very strongly that the love I felt for her was pure, and motivated by a genuine connection and not by lust. What will forever bother me is never knowing how she felt. Did her and I really share a romantic connection? Were we just very close cousins and I was confused? Did I take advantage of her trust for my own emotional ends? Did she know how I felt, and if she did, why would she allow me to be so intimate with her if it wasn't reciprocated? I torture myself with these questions daily and I needed to finally get it off my chest, seeing as I can't tell anyone for fear of retribution or judgement.

Anyway, thank you for listening. Perhaps you can help to put a tired soul's mind at ease?

TL;DR: I was secretly in love with my cousin for years and never knew if she felt the same. Now she's dead and I'll never know. Please help.

EDIT: Thank you all for the incredible outpouring of support. I'm shocked and slightly horrified at the amount of attention this has received and don't know how I feel about it, but I'm extremely grateful for all of the nice things everyone has said. It's helped put my mind at ease.

For those questioning whether this is true or not; Yes, it really happened. If I wanted to do a piece of fiction, I would have gone to r/creativewriting as I have done in the past.