3 sessions solo therapy using MAPS protocol and a therapist (3rd session)
TLDR - using MDMA to heal from anxiety, depression, PTSD, trauma following years of cancer fighting and the associated pressure it brought. Sessions have been amazing. Session 3 last week left me exhausted and flat despite having a therapist support this part. Anyone experienced it?
Longer contact and report:
Hi, this group has been really useful for me. Briefly, I had a very stressful life in London, left corporate safety to set up my own business and had years of struggle and burnout. My passion was Muay Thai and I was also competing professionally at times but trained at that level consistently. I was basically running my life on fumes and after quitting caffeine recently can see I was tired and wired through it all.
Fast forward to covid, rescued a business, went for months without paying myself so others could get paid, did my last pro fight Jan 2020 in Bangkok (didn’t know it would be my last). August 2021, business was back and doing really well, years of struggle starting to pay off and then got diagnosed with testicular cancer. NHS made 8 weeks of mistakes and had to self fund private treatment, was selling the company and managing that process, all the staff, etc. Exhausted. Tried natural treatments but relapsed after 18 months whilst funding a top oncologist’s scans and bloodwork every 3 months. Needed super heavy inpatient chemo living in the ward for a week at a time then home for a few days rest then back, lost the business, lost all fitness and strength, took me to the edge of life where my 80 year old dad had to push me up a flight of stairs and my girlfriend picked me up off the bathroom floor. I had no financial help and only got HMRC bills for the period before when I was earning well.
I had felt depression during the first diagnosis but the career gone, savings gone, tax bills being chased, no direction, no work, socially isolated, huge ancestry, no energy, brain fog and back into 3 months scans crushed me. Back into depression.
MDMA: I had researched psychedelic therapy and had also tried normal psychotherapy, it just felt like an intellectualisation of it all, not core wound healing. My friend pointed out I was living in fear of recurrence and was hyper vigilant about everything in my environment that could cause cancer. I didn’t eat sugar for years, 5 years without drinking out of plastic water, all plastic removed from our house and wardrobe…living in a prison I had created in my mind. I couldn’t relax and nobody could relate since it started at 37 and I was the healthiest out of all my friends before.
I decided to try MDMA gently first in Ibiza with a close friend, partly to see if it would do anything, partly to see if my body and heart could handle it (potential CV system damage from chemo), partly to try and celebrate being alive. Day out dancing all day, amazing next day, hyper vigilance GONE! Anxiety much lower. Felt calm for the first time since I could remember. It had somehow broken the mental prison. It was there at times but it wasn’t forefront and controlling and now I could just see it as a bubble of thought to follow if I wanted, it was no longer driving. I couldn’t believe it! We drunk electrolytes and water all day, ate food (difficult) after about 5 hours and took magnesium.
I doubled down. 6 weeks later I had read as many studies as I could and did a solo session - 70mg followed by a 40mg booster 90 mins in. Took accompanying supplements (from here, not MAPS), water, fan, electrolytes, my playlist with eye mask and tried to focus on my cancer journey and unlock the trauma surrounding each painful memory. Amazing session, felt amazing since. Those memories are there but the emotional shard of glass scraping raw across my soul isn’t when I think of them. It was really healing me so I went again 6 weeks later.
Session 3 last Tuesday - found the highest purity reagent tested product, 70mg, 50mg booster, fasting, supplements. This time with a traditional therapist who works with abuse victims but is also generally trained and who is interested in the healing capacity of this. We had a session before I dosed, framed the session as ‘surrender’, ‘teach me how things really are’, ‘teach me how to feel love’ (I have felt numb for as long as I can remember). This time I also used the MAPS sound track instead of my own and it was a much more internal journey. Journalled all the way through it.
Since session 3 I have felt completely exhausted and not sure why. A bit tired and grumpy, flat mood, exhausted mentally and physically. Feels like it’s really taken it out of me and not the lightness and connection of the other sessions.
I’d love insights from others that have done this journey and thanks again for everyone that makes this group happen.