To the disillusioned and disoriented....
In a few months, it will be a year since I returned to the orthodox church. Spending nearly 2 decades in protestant churches, I never thought in a million years I would claim orthodoxy again. I didn’t want it, which is how I knew it was God. He drew me to the Eucharist and so how could i say no? In the beginning, I was in awe. How could I not be. The history was enough. The Eucharist....it brought me to tears. How could I not remain here? The journey back to the Eucharist was beautiful and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But....it was one of the loneliest and the most disorienting experiences I've had. I've read so many people's stories on here and it breaks my heart because I can see how some might leave. The orthodox churches in America weren't created with us in mind. The more I tried to bend and fit into what I perceived was the right way of navigating all this the more I gave up all the ways I knew how to draw closer to God for a way I was told was "better" and yet... I've never felt more distant from God.
The orthodox churches in America are all beautiful in their own right, and I can appreciate the beauty in their deep/rich culture while saying it doesn't resonate with me and I'm going to stop pretending it does. The ethnocentrism, the chants, the hymns, the orthobro podcasts, the homily's that I rarely understand...and dare I say, the priests who make me wonder if we follow the same God...they can keep. I had many issues with the protestant church, but I miss aspects of it. I miss the worship. I miss the people greeting you at the door. I miss how friendly everyone was. I miss how they prioritize community and making sure you get connected into the church. I miss bible study. I miss people asking how they can pray for you. I don't think my father of confession has ever asked me that now that I think about it. I've gone through catechism...I've attended fellowship....I've attended bible study...and I still feel like an outsider. But I know I can never go back because history speaks for itself and I never want to not be in communion with God. But what I've decided is that I don't have to completely change my relationship with God and how I draw close to Him just because I'm orthodox. I don't have to conform. You don't have to conform.
Cody Carnes has a song titled "Nothing Else" and right now that is my prayer and cry.
"I'm sorry when I've just gone through the motions
I'm sorry when I just sang another song
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You
I'm sorry when I've come with my agenda
I'm sorry when I forgot that You're enough
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You
I'm caught up in Your presence
I just want to sit here at Your feet
I'm caught up in this holy moment
I never wanna leave
Oh, I'm not here for blessings
Jesus, You don't owe me anything
And more than anything that You can do
I just want You
I just want You
Nothing else, nothing else"
I'm not leaving orthodoxy, but I'm pressing reset and allowing God to be enough. The church is where I will go to confess and to partake in His Body and Blood. But day to day, I will do the things that help me draw closer to Him. Yes, to worship music, yes to (biblically sound) devotionals, yes to the teachers who I was eating good food from. Yes to my protestant friends who love God with all their heart and live out their faith more than most in the orthodox church. Yes to whatever God wants to use so that I can truly abide in Him. Nothing else. I hope my rambling helps someone else decide to do the same. Orthodoxy is not our dentity. Our identity is in Christ. Let's leave behind what's not from Him, but let's never leave Him.
Rev 2:2-5
2 “‘I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. 3 I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. 4 But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. 5 Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. "