Watched this on Channel 61 in cleveland before 61 went off the air, to return a few years later. None of my peers remembered it when I was in 6th grade, and have never encountered anyone IRL who watched it.
IDK if it made me any less awful as a person, but maybe it made me at least feel a measure of regret and shame at being so.
Dried mushrooms give dishes that extra oomph of umami that elevates many dishes up a notch or two. You can find them at asian markets. If you havent been to an asian market, do so, even if it's just for the punk rock points.
While you should experiment with others, I am going to suggest you start with the dried shiitake. You are looking for the large ones that are hard -vs- the smaller ones that are flexible.
Smash a single mushroom at a time in your mortar and pestle as flat as you can. You will see the meat like texture form as you do this. Remove, and repeat until you have the quantity you are looking for.
If you are worried about sand/dirt, place the mushroom in a pot, with a lid, and shake vigorously. Then slap on a cutting board cap side up a few times.
When smashed the mushrooms take on a 'stringy' texture that is very similar to meat. They feel like meat in the mouth, and are more tender than other dried mushroom preparations.
You can add them directly to long cooking dishes such as sauces and stews. If you wish to stir fry with them, soak them in water over night, wring out, and use. Save the soaking water and use it in other dishes. I discard the last inch in case of dirt.
I'm not vegetarian. I've made mushroom tacos using mushrooms prepared this way and the meat eaters and vegetarians in my circle both praised them, and went back for 6ths. I use them in gumbo, pasta dish, chili, soondubu jjigae, with and without meat, to great outcomes.
Every once in a while I like to post this. Especially in forums I have newly discovered.
Another thing I like to suggest, for the ultra paranoid, is Sandboxie. It's an open source sandboxing program. Windows sandboxing is kinda like spinning up VM, where as Sandboxie can sandbox programs you are just running in windows. By browsing in a sandbox, and having it automatically delete contents, it's like browsing where you left off last time you browsed without a sandbox.
You can even download, install, run, many programs, and when the sandbox is deleted it's as if they never touched your system.
As we have seen recently, well known trusted sites and software have been compromised. These extra protections can help Antediluvians and noobs alike.