7 days out of 2.5 years
Hello,
I've never heard of this sub until today. I'm a father of two small children and I just kicked a 500mg a day habit, cold turkey, in absolute secret.
I've been using kratom since a friend introduced me to it in 2014. I havent known any sense of sobriety since I smoked my first joint with the other neighborhood boys with shitty families, when I was 11 years old.
There was a 2 year period, when I left my shitty enabler/ addict friends and shitty abusive family behind and moved out west that I was mostly free of drugs and just drinking in normal 20-year-old amounts, and that is when I met my wife.
I was lied too about kratom. I was told it wasnt habit forming, there was no overdose potential, and it was totally harmless. I tried to quit so many times and failed, so I started trying to figure out how to make the habit cheaper since i was taking easily 25-40 caps per hit, multiple times a day, and discovered 7oh almost immediatly after it started being sold in the US. I thought: "wow! A quarter of a pill gets me twice as high for half a day! This is incredible! Think how much money I'll save!" Ha. Ha. Ha...
This is my 3rd time quitting and each time has been worse because each time the amount of 7oh I was taking everyday had increased by so much.
Many years ago, after successfully overcoming acute WDs of kratom, I told my wife about my problem. She comes from a family with extreme addiction issues but has none herself and has no sympathy or understanding of it (oddly). She tried to help but was very judgy and cold and not understanding, so she sort of solidified my fear of letting her know if I relapse. She still believes ive been clean for years. Lies, lies, lies what an asshole.
But in absolute secret ive been lying and stealing, and getting lots of cashback during the many grocery store trips I suddenly felt were very important. Spending thousands of dollars that we haven't been able to use for swim lessons, piano, summer camp etc. All because my wife thinks we actually spend 2500 a month on groceries.
I hate it. I hate this thing. I feel like Anakin Skywalker burned, delimbed, and disfigured, screaming "I HATE YOU!". I hate what ive lost. I hate what ive done. I hate that im a liar. I've hurt the only real family I ever had. The one I built myself. And none of them...really know.
I am recently unemployed (actually not 7oh related) and my 7 year old daughter had the flu two weeks ago so I was at home taking care of her. It stands to reason that I would get sick too. So I figured, no matter what, this is my chance. I took the leap. Fuel entirely by self loathing and hate. No help, no kratom, just all the pain I absolutely deserved. This is the worse it's ever been. It really was like the flu but instead of fever dreams I just couldn't sleep until night 6.
Im over it now. Physically I just feel weak and tired, and unable to do much for very long. But this is where my trial really begins. As I crawl out of this shit and start to feel better and then think, "you know what would make me feel...even *better*?" Thats where I fail. But this is the only time ive hated it this much.
I start nursing school before too long. I have to do this, this time. But goddamn, how do I live sober? Im so bored, im so depressed. I refuse to drink, I dont use Marijuana anymore even though I live in a legal state now, lol. Being sober is such a drag, but I fucking WANT to love it. Traditional opiates have no appeal to me. 7oh and kratom were so nice because of how easy and reliable they were to get, and for me, the ability to remain mostly anonymous while collecting them to hide my undying shame at my own weakness. If they would make them illegal, I could fucking *sail* through life. But willpower? Oh god...
Sorry for the long rant. I've got a lot and there is literally NO ONE that knows.
Here we go again.