u/Last-Status-9301

UX designer, 31 F

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been struggling to find a job as a UX designer. For the past two years I’ve been freelancing and I keep getting awful clients (ghosted me, gave me 1 day notice that they no longer needed my services in the middle of a big task, and most recently a very very delayed payment so I had to let them go)

I’ve been applying to jobs but no one wants to hire me.

I’ve ran out of savings and now overdue bills are piling up. I’m so ready to kill myself but I’m too afraid to actually do it.

My situation feels hopeless. I’ve struggled with my career for over ten years. I find it difficult to focus and I lose interest after 3-4 months. I’ve gotten better at it in the recent years but now I just can’t land a good role.

I’m Filipino btw so my options aren’t that many (that pay well)

How do I believe that God cares for me or has plans for me when God isn’t even doing what’s very possible in my life?

I’ve been struggling with my career for over 10 years now and have been struggling with my finances because of it. I trust that God can do the impossible… but will God actually do it is the real issue

How do I know what God wants me to do?

I’ve been mulling over being an atheist for two years now, but I still cling on to the possibility that God really exists.

I grew up in a Christian household and my dad is a pastor. So my worldview is around that. But I really don’t know anymore

I just got fired last Friday. I’ve struggled with my career for the longest time. Last year I was unemployed for 10 months, so when I finally landed a job I told myself I’ll hold onto this even when it becomes painfully stressful and boring.

But alas, they let me go after 7 months. Said I wasn’t “passionate” enough about my role. Which was true. I’m only in this career path cuz it pays well and I don’t have any other employable skills. I’m a UX designer and I hate it. Prior to that I was a graphic designer. I hated that too.

And I’ve tried so very hard to better myself so that I can stay in the jobs that I’ve held. I slept well, ate well, exercised, took meds, setup my station, studied, traveled… and yet here I am again… unemployed.

Yes, I have ADHD. Just got diagnosed last month.

I would very much love to explore other career paths, but I am not rich. I burned through my savings last year when I was unemployed. And now I was supposedly recovering financially from last year, but now I am back to square one.

I no longer wanna be “employed”. I’m tired. But like I said I am not rich… so I was thinking maybe I wanna work for NGOs (I think). Definitely move away from tech. I wanna take photos and document lives. I wanna help people.

Oh and I’m 31F, Philippines

Is there hope?