why does it have to be so hard
(rant) okay so ive been in recovery for almost a month now and ive already gained 2kg (was 61, now 63 ish) while not counting calories and letting myself eat whatever and how much i want, sometimes even around 4500-5000 calories (estimated, i stopped counting). i know about extreme hunger, but lately it just feels like im eating out of boredom. for example i can eat a big, filling, nutritious meal and grab a snack right after, even though i dont really want it (its kinda hard to explain that feeling). and on days when i eat this much i feel guilty for doing so, even though i know that my body needs the energy. i also noticed that my body looks a lot different than a month ago and its lowkey driving me crazy. my arms, legs, belly and face are all bigger and puffier, and i even lost some muscle because i exercised less. i try to calm myself down with thoughts like "its better a little bit bigger but have more energy, strong bones, healthy hair etc.", but every time i look at myself in the mirror or go through pics from may-june i just want to cry because i never felt prettier than when i looked like that. i wasn't even underweight (i'm 173 cm or 5'8), and when i recovered from ana for the first time i got my period back at an ever lower weight (59 kg, lowest was 52) so i dont even fully know why i lost it in the first place. i just feel so huge now and i dont know how i would deal with even more weight gain. has anyone else experienced something like that? how did you deal with it?
sorry this post is a huge mess, i dont even know if it makes sense gramatically 😭 anyways i think i just needed to get my thoughts in order, and sorry for my bad english