u/Lowzenberg

Hii everyone, so I recently sent a text to someone. And I think forwarding it here will be good enough, because I really feel like getting an answer to it.

I also sent a different but related post a few days ago, but at that time I couldn't really put my issue in words this well.

The message is self explanatory, so I don't think I need to explain it.

The message:

Let me put it in better words:

Everyone says that "there is no central, I, or no central me, but they are just thoughts". When I hear this phrase, my genuine reaction is, "but the hell, I LITERALLY FEEL THE "ME" in my HEAD. And you are saying they are just thoughts." I mean, yeah it's true that they are made of images, sounds, but it doesn't feel like JUST a thought, it really feels like "me"!!

And that is my primary experience at least right now.

They say, investigate and see if you can find someone to which that thought refers back, but I really feel that as "me" and I really feel that is what other thoughts refer back to.

That's really the best thing I can say about my experience right now.

I try to do practices, natural meditation (in which I try to relax all intentions, and beliefs and ect) and Inquiry (in which I try to really see if there is really some "me" to which thoughts refer), sometimes they feel like strain, sometimes they really feel liberating but nevertheless none of them made a difference, at least I see no difference when I leave the practice.

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Now the issue is that, I cannot see how that "me" is just all thoughts. Most of the people answer me in a way that just wraps my mind in concepts again, if I'll go in concepts or analysis, it is futile. So please avoid that.

Last time I also received suggestions to read books, well, I tried after that, but it didn't feel good for me. I'm not really a person of books when it comes to these. Books just forward my attention to analysis, even if the book is about practicing alongside reading, it just tells my mind that I'm on a path and I'll get something out of it in the future. I do not want to be future oriented anymore, so please do not suggest books.

Videos ect are different, they work in different ways, so they might be good enough.

Or maybe something that will click, but again NOT in the conceptual sense. I do NOT want conceptual answers, I've had enough conceptual answers, so please.

Thanks a lot everyone, I hope this message made all of it clear.

Hii everyone,

I hope you will put some efforts in reading the whole message before saying things like "Who is the one confused?" or maybe "who is the one that is saying this?". These could be good questions, and maybe my issue is related to them. So I request everyone who is reading this, to kindly go through the whole text to genuinely understand what's going on, and please, if you could, help me out.

I'm not into Zen, Advaita, any Philosophies, any belief systems, any doctrines, or any religions ect. But, a year back, I encountered the videos from Simply Always Awake .

He genuinely had me interested in something that goes beyond the usual way I experience myself.

For some years, I was terribly suffering, and I couldn't find a way out, but his videos really resonated with me, and I decided I would see in my own immediate experience to see what's happening. So yeah, I was interested.

From that point onwards, I often used to do natural meditation, self inquiry and other things. I never used a Koan, because as many of you might know, not everything works for everyone. I'm a guy who is deeply interested in Analysis and Mathematics, so it was too hard for me to go on with Koans.

I've asked myself many times, "Who am I?". I try to see immediate answers instead of thoughts, and I see that there are images, then beliefs that this is "me".

Similarly, there is a voice which narrates things, and then there is a belief that this is "me".

Trust me, I've sat many times, asking the same thing again and again. But, I always feel that I'm back on square one.

You could say "You are assuming that this moment will take you somewhere, drop it", I do, when I meditate, but that doesn't change anything for me. It is just back to square one when I meditate the next time. Similar things happens when I try to drop (if I have) any apparent roadmap that I've created.

A few days back, I was very deeply sad. Looking back at my life, and seeing that nothing has changed, I just thought that "I'm supposed to suffer, either I'm too ignorant, or this thing isn't for me." I couldn't have just said to myself "this is a thought" at that time, it was intense!

I really dropped any idea of pursuing any awakening and started doing other things in my life.

But then again, I just find it intrinsically uncomfortable. So I decided, I'll drop everything, I'll surrender everything.

But....it's again all back to square one. Still I'm uncomfortable. Nothing has changed.

Please help me, what's going wrong?

Many say to relax, investigate, inquire, meditate (natural meditation), to let go. I really feel I've exhausted all of them. And yet many say "this is where things will change", but they aren't changing for me.

Again you could say, I'm looking for a change, but I would rather say, I'm just looking for peace.

I'm genuinely confused, hopeless, and really don't know what should I do. Trust me, I've a very strong sense that even recieving guidance from someone won't change anything, otherwise it could've already changed, but yet, I'm here, because I can't just give into my old way of living again.

An issue with practice

Please help, I'm genuinely confused.