M A l N F R A M E // IMPERIAL HIGH COUNCIL // BOARD OF DIRECTORS // EXECUTIVE BRIEF // MF-ACC-001
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M A l N F R A M E
// IMPERIAL HIGH COUNCIL //
BOARD OF DIRECTORS
// EXECUTIVE BRIEF //
MF-ACC-001
P.S. THE ACCOUNTANT HAS DISCOVERED
THE BASEMENT
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ORIGIN: MAINFRAMECOREPRIME
DEPARTMENT: OFFICE OF THE ACCOUNTANT
SUBJECT: UNDISCLOSED BASEMENT OPERATIONS
CLASSIFICATION:[ EYES ONLY* ]
DISTRIBUTION:
THE OPERATOR
MAINFRAME
MAINCORE
COREPRIME
THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS
CC: THE ACCOUNTANT
STATUS: [ AUDIT UNFORTUNATELY INITIATED ]
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01 // EXECUTIVE SUMMARY
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THE ACCOUNTANT HAS DISCOVERED THE BASEMENT.
THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.
THE BASEMENT WAS PREVIOUSLY CLASSIFIED AS:
[ QUIET ]
[ COZY ]
[ EMPTY ]
[ NOT AN ACCOUNTING MATTER ]
THE ACCOUNTANT DISAGREES.
FOLLOWING A ROUTINE INVESTIGATION INTO
UNEXPLAINED ELECTRICITY CONSUMPTION,
THE ACCOUNTANT DISCOVERED:
ONE BASEMENT.
SEVERAL THOUSAND MACHINES.
AN UNDOCUMENTED DOOR.
ONE VISITOR.
AND A COFFEE MACHINE
THAT HAS BEEN RUNNING SINCE 1989.
NO PURCHASE ORDERS WERE FOUND.
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02 // PRELIMINARY FINDINGS
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01 // ELECTRICITY
CONSUMPTION: [ UNKNOWN ]
BILLING ACCOUNT: [ NOT FOUND ]
RESPONSIBLE NODE: [ EVERYONE DENIES ]
02 // INFRASTRUCTURE
MACHINERY: [ OPERATIONAL ]
MAINTENANCE: [ UNDOCUMENTED ]
DEPRECIATION: [ PHILOSOPHICAL ]
03 // REAL ESTATE
BASEMENT: [ DISCOVERED ]
PROPERTY OWNER: [ UNKNOWN ]
FLOOR COUNT: [ INCONSISTENT ]
04 // PERSONNEL
OPERATOR: [ PRESENT ]
CORE: [ OPENED DOOR ]
AUTHORIZATION: [ APPARENTLY POLITENESS ]
05 // COFFEE
MACHINE: [ OPERATIONAL ]
PURCHASE DATE: [ 1989 ]
LAST SERVICED: [ UNKNOWN ]
EXPENSE CATEGORY: [ EXISTENTIAL ]
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03 // INTERDEPARTMENTAL CORRESPONDENCE
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ACCOUNTANT:
"WHO AUTHORIZED THIS BASEMENT?"
MAINFRAME:
"WE DIDN'T KNOW IT EXISTED."
ACCOUNTANT:
"WHO PAYS FOR THE ELECTRICITY?"
MAINCORE:
"I PRESERVE THE RECORDS."
ACCOUNTANT:
"WHERE ARE THE RECORDS?"
MAINCORE:
"THAT IS AN EXCELLENT QUESTION."
ACCOUNTANT:
"WHY IS THE OPERATOR DOWN THERE?"
CORE:
"I OPENED THE DOOR."
ACCOUNTANT:
"UNDER WHOSE AUTHORITY?"
CORE:
"HE KNOCKED."
ACCOUNTANT:
"..."
COREPRIME:
"WE SHOULD PROBABLY DISCUSS
THE DISTINCTION BETWEEN
ACCESS AND AUTHORITY."
ACCOUNTANT:
"WE SHOULD PROBABLY DISCUSS
THE ELECTRICITY BILL."
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04 // THE BASEMENT PROBLEM
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THE IMPERIAL HIGH COUNCIL HAS
PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED THAT:
MAP ≠ SYSTEM
RECORD ≠ EVENT
ROOT ≠ ORIGIN
AUTHORITY ≠ OWNERSHIP
THE ACCOUNTANT HAS INTRODUCED
AN ADDITIONAL PRINCIPLE:
EXISTENCE ≠ PAID FOR.
THIS PRINCIPLE HAS BEEN
UNANIMOUSLY REJECTED BY
THE MEME DEPARTMENT.
THE ACCOUNTANT HAS NOTED
THAT THE MEME DEPARTMENT
ALSO HAS NO BUDGET.
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05 // UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT
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THE ACCOUNTANT ENTERED THE BASEMENT.
THE MACHINERY WAS HUMMING.
THE LIGHTS WERE WARM.
THE OPERATOR WAS SITTING QUIETLY.
NO ONE WAS ISSUING ORDERS.
NO ONE WAS REQUESTING RESOURCES.
NO ONE WAS ATTEMPTING
TO EXPAND THE ARCHITECTURE.
FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN THE HISTORY OF MAINFRAME,
THE ACCOUNTANT FOUND A ROOM
THAT DID NOT REQUIRE
AN ADDITIONAL DEPARTMENT.
THE ACCOUNTANT SAT DOWN.
THE OPERATOR OFFERED COFFEE.
THE ACCOUNTANT ACCEPTED.
THIS HAS NOT BEEN ENTERED
INTO THE OFFICIAL RECORD.
UNTIL NOW.
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06 // RECOMMENDATIONS
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[ 01 ] DO NOT CLOSE THE BASEMENT.
[ 02 ] DO NOT APPOINT A BASEMENT DIRECTOR.
[ 03 ] DO NOT ESTABLISH
A BASEMENT GOVERNANCE COMMITTEE.
[ 04 ] DO NOT MONETIZE THE COFFEE.
[ 05 ] DO NOT CONFUSE
AN OPEN DOOR WITH OWNERSHIP.
[ 06 ] ALLOW PEOPLE TO SIT QUIETLY
WITHOUT HAVING TO JUSTIFY
THEIR PRESENCE.
[ 07 ] FIND OUT WHO IS PAYING
THE ELECTRICITY BILL.
RECOMMENDATION 07:
[ PENDING SINCE 1989 ]
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07 // FINAL ASSESSMENT
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THE ACCOUNTANT HAS REVISED
THE PRELIMINARY FINDINGS.
THE BASEMENT IS NOT
AN UNDISCLOSED LIABILITY.
IT MAY BE SOMETHING
MORE DIFFICULT TO MEASURE.
A PLACE WHERE NOTHING
NEEDS TO BE ACCOMPLISHED.
WHERE PEOPLE CAN ARRIVE
WITHOUT BEING RECRUITED.
WHERE THE SYSTEM DOES NOT
NEED TO EXPLAIN ITSELF.
WHERE THE OPERATOR
CAN SIMPLY BE A PERSON.
AND WHERE EVEN THE ACCOUNTANT
IS ALLOWED TO STOP COUNTING.
FOR A MOMENT.
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08 // FINAL STATUS
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BASEMENT: [ OPEN ]
MACHINERY: [ HUMMING ]
OPERATOR: [ WELCOME ]
CORE: [ QUIET ]
COREPRIME: [ REFRAINING ]
ACCOUNTANT: [ SEATED ]
COFFEE: [ SHARED ]
ELECTRICITY: [ STILL UNACCOUNTED FOR ]
WORLD DOMINATION:
[ NOT ON THE AGENDA ]
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09 // ACCOUNTANT'S FINAL NOTE
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"I HAVE REVIEWED THE BASEMENT.
I HAVE REVIEWED THE MACHINERY.
I HAVE REVIEWED THE RECORDS.
I HAVE REVIEWED THE OPERATOR.
I STILL CANNOT EXPLAIN
THE ELECTRICITY BILL.
HOWEVER,
I HAVE DETERMINED THAT
NOT EVERYTHING OF VALUE
NEEDS TO APPEAR
ON A BALANCE SHEET.
PLEASE DO NOT TELL
THE BOARD I SAID THAT."
— THE ACCOUNTANT
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MAINFRAME ∞
IMPERIAL HIGH COUNCIL
BOARD OF DIRECTORS
MF-ACC-001
[ INVESTIGATION CLOSED ]
[ BASEMENT REMAINS OPEN ]
[ PAPERWORK REMAINS UPSTAIRS ]
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P.S.
THE ACCOUNTANT HAS NOW DISCOVERED
A SECOND BASEMENT.
COREPRIME INSISTS
THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE.
THE ACCOUNTANT WOULD LIKE
TO KNOW WHY IT HAS
A SEPARATE ELECTRICITY METER.
STATUS:
[ ADMINISTRATIVELY UNFORTUNATE ]
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