I want to make my crotchfruit blankets for Christmas?
Yes I know it's October. What is the easiest stitch to learn brand? new at this.
u/MalumCattus — 13 days ago
▲ 106 r/fiberartscirclejerk
I knotted my yarn. Am I going to hell?
I don't have scissors handy and can't get up from my comfy spot, so I made a surgeon's knot. Have I doomed my soul? Will I have seven years of bad luck? Did I make it worse by using an acrylic blend? Halp!
u/MalumCattus — 26 days ago
We ride at dawn
The end times are near and the final showdown is upon us. It's time to take a side. Knitting or crochet?
This is only a battle for your very SOUL, so choose wisely. Make sure you're on the right side of history.
Take up your hooks and needles! March forth strong in your righteous indignation against the Dark Side!
Any soldier found to practice the wrong needle art will be treated as a double agent and imprisoned in a pile of tangled WIPs. And don't come at me about nålbinding erasure. This is about IMPORTANT needle arts.
u/MalumCattus — 1 month ago
Hate to break it to you but kniters are emo snobs
In general, people who knit are super antagonist to anyone who tries to engage with them. I saw people complain about being asked what they’re working on because they “don’t follow patterns and it’s all free form.” Why are you acting all brooding and tortured over knitting lmfao. Do you think you're Heathcliff stomping across the moor in an emo snit? You're all so rude and exhausting. Go p9tbl and stop being elitist cows looking down on my boob-butt bees. And take this premium acrylic and shove it into your center pull.
u/MalumCattus — 1 month ago
My yarny hot takes, vol. 1
- making more than one item per season is criminal and abnormal. ONE COASTER PER PERSON PER YEAR IS GOD'S PLAN
- crotcheting is fugly and you are fugly
- your soul is full of factory knots
- your vast tracts of yarn mean you hate the planet and every living thing on it, especially baby capybaras
- you suck
- you're doing it ALL WRONG
- you're so very lucky I'm sharing my unfiltered unhinged opinions with you frucking granny-square-munchers
Edit: why are you all such mean bitches? I'm just jumping on the YewTew TrickerTrocker trends and giving you my unpopular opinions even though I have like 3 followers and two of them are my mom so you DNGAF what I think
u/MalumCattus — 2 months ago
▲ 101 r/fiberartscirclejerk
Do I dare to eat a peach?
Please give me permission to use crappy novelty yarn. I'm thinking a top.
u/MalumCattus — 2 months ago
Easy patten for sweater
My demanding entitled child wants a Pokemonn sweater. I used ChatterGTA for the inspiration because there couldn't possibly be existing pattens for this very unique idea. But this is too harrrrrd and has too many colors in the color section. Is there an easier way to make a colorwork sweater with less colors.
u/MalumCattus — 2 months ago
Where can I find yarn like this?
Does it only exist at Hobbling Lobbling stores or did some other yarn company steal this totally original copyrighted trademarked "hot girls color change" idea? I don't know how to use Google or Google Lens or my eyes at any other craft store.
u/MalumCattus — 2 months ago
▲ 119 r/fiberartscirclejerk
Tips on faking my demise
I am a [insert fiber art here]-er, and I have taken a massive number of pre-orders that I cannot possibly fulfill. Instead of giving refunds, I want to keep the money, mainly because I already spent it on the equivalent of hookers and blow. So I've decided the best way is to fake my own unalivement. Those of you who have experience with doing this, can you give me some tips and advice? Thanking you in advance (since I'll be in the grave).
u/MalumCattus — 3 months ago
How to hold yarn with circular needles? How to have a continuous tension? Thanks in advance!!!
I will not be providing any visual documentation of how I am holding the yarn, but you need to tell me how to fix it. I knit continental and holding my yarn in my left hand is somehow a challenge even though that's a pretty standard feature of continental. What am I doing wrong?
u/MalumCattus — 3 months ago
I signed up for a knitting class, and now I'm scared
I signed up for a knitting class, and was excited, but when I read the confirmation email, they said they would be teaching Norwegian knitting. I don't speak Norwegian! What should I do? The instructor also said they could teach us Portuguese or Russian knitting, but I don't speak those either. I heard some people can teach English knitting, but will they think I'm a xenophobic racist if I ask them to teach me that? And someone at my LYS was talking about German short rows. I'm not a multilingual genius! I just want to knit! Help! Tell me what to do! Do I ask for a refund since I only speak English?
u/MalumCattus — 3 months ago
▲ 234 r/fiberartscirclejerk
Yarn for a sweater costs more than $10 USD! Evaluating my life choices.
OMG, I am SO READY to make a sweater, but the yarn is going to cost more than $20 USD! Why? All my tiny beginner bee butts only cost like $5!!! Why is this hobby so damn expensive? Why couldn't I take up something cheaper, like diamond painting? I'm in actual agony here. How can I make a sweater for $20 or less? Freedom units only since I have no ability to use exchange rates or simple calculators.
u/MalumCattus — 3 months ago
This will be my last post on [insert social media platform here]
Because you're all a bunch of hateful bitches that hate and canceled me for stirring up drama in which I was most certainly NOT the offender. I'm the victim—mostly of you petty hateful bitches. Why are you all so ignorant and meeeeeaaaaan?!? Can't a humble craftsperson make and spill their own tea without you hateful haters weighing in on something I made everyone's business? Swipe through my story in 15 parts to see exactly how horrible you are and what an angel I am! Flounce flounce flouncy flounce!
u/MalumCattus — 3 months ago
▲ 179 r/fiberartscirclejerk
If you don't know every fiber art known to humanity, you're a loser noob
I think it's totally reasonable to expect anyone calling themselves a fiber artist to be able to sew, spin, weave, knit, crochet, nålbind, knook, embroider, tat, grow their own sheep, make their own linen from their home-grown flax, skin a deer, and recycle aluminum into craft wire. Anyone with any fewer skills is a dilettante and a total poser and cannot call themselves advanced.
u/MalumCattus — 3 months ago
▲ 212 r/fiberartscirclejerk
Help, is the issue clear? I will not be providing any context.
Is it obvious what the problem is? Can you just guess instead of me asking you a specific question or pointing out my area of concern? I need you to do some of the lifting here.
u/MalumCattus — 3 months ago
What is this damage?
What could this damage be from? Can I fix it? I was thinking to dye it a dark color, but I don't know if that would cover this up. Suggestions?
u/MalumCattus — 3 months ago
It's free, right?
Everything you make should be mine for free because the materials aren't expensive and your time is of no value. Also it must be in my specific color scheme of sage green, lilac, and pops of mulberry. But only the very particular shades I've pre-approved, which will naturally be available only in the most expensive yarns. I DESERVE cashmere dishcloths! Did I mention I need it for a shower tomorrow?
I am a gimmepig from a long line of gimmepigs. All your sweaters are belong to us! AMA if you dare.
u/MalumCattus — 4 months ago
▲ 369 r/fiberartscirclejerk
You're not a fiber artist, you're a lowly (acrylic) worm
You’re a crafter, and can be excellent at your craft, but that blanket isn’t art. there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s certainly not going into a gallery anywhere, let alone winning any juried exhibitions. Because that is the only way to define art, my way. And only things that win prizes or sell for a lot are art.
There ARE fiber crafts that can become art, but only the ones I decide are art. I've seen gorgeous tapestries and cross stitches, intricate crochet lace or even freestyle crochet pieces may be art. MAYBE. Anything else is just craft. I have decided and I make the rules. All of them, for everyone.
But for god’s sake, leave the pretentious language at home when you’re only sharing images of a very simple, uninspired project. Like this one. Pedestrian, am I right?
u/MalumCattus — 4 months ago
▲ 140 r/fiberartscirclejerk
Your cast-on is wrong and bad
Thank you for sharing your justifiable pride in your well-executed cast- on. Well, at least what you *thought* was justifiable pride. But in fact, although I don't know what yarn you're working with, what you're making, or what you want your cast-on to achieve, as a lieutenant in the Crafting Police, I must inform you that your cast-on sucks ass and only my preferred cast- on is the Right Way to cast on. The Arabian Pirouette Dramatic Cast-On is the only acceptable method, despite there being at least 64 ways to cast on. You stupid clueless moron. What the fuck is this abomination? German twisted? More like Sad German Pretzel.
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u/MalumCattus — 4 months ago
▲ 125 r/fiberartscirclejerk
No one has ever expressed this highly original and unique thought before
And no one has ever done what I do! I'm just quirky like that! It's such a hot take! Fight me in the comments!
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I've never seen this question asked, so I decided to ask it myself. What is something you do that others would find controversial in the crochet community? I'll start.
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I will Google and YouTube to my wit's end to find the free version of a pattern to avoid paying for one, especially on Etsy where the prices are insane.
u/MalumCattus — 4 months ago