Years of trying, Clomid, microTESE… and no sperm found
Me (41M) and my wife (39F) have been trying for a child since 2017.
Covid delays, NHS admin/funding issues and long waiting lists certainly didn’t help the process, but after years of tests, referrals and appointments, I underwent a microTESE in London this week for non-obstructive azoospermia.
Unfortunately, no sperm were found.
Our consultant, Maria Satchi, has been brilliant throughout. She did warn us that we likely wouldn’t remember much of the post-op discussion, and she was absolutely right. Everything after hearing “no sperm found” became a blur. We are currently in that horrible period of grief, shock and trying to process what this actually means for our future.
I’d been on Clomid prior to the procedure, which did improve some of my hormone levels/results pre-op, so we went into this with some hope that there may be pockets of sperm production. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case.
I’ve always suspected something wasn’t quite right development-wise growing up. My testes are very small and I don’t think they fully developed through my teenage years for whatever reason.
Physically, I think I’ve been relatively lucky so far compared to some experiences I’ve read.
Day 0:
Very little pain really. Mostly tired, emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted. Bruising/swelling surprisingly mild.
Day 1:
Still manageable physically, although we had to make the journey back from London to the East Midlands by train / car because the procedure couldn’t be done locally. NHS at its finest.
Day 2:
Woke up early feeling heavily winded with pretty awful back ache and discomfort. I’m assuming trapped gas from the procedure/anaesthetic because it feels more like pressure and aching than surgical pain.
They gave me a course of antibiotics and dihydrocodeine for any pain, to use alongside ibuprofen and paracetamol.
Emotionally though, this is by far the hardest thing I’ve dealt with. Recent bereavements in the family, including losing my sister and my dad, have also weighed heavily on us over the past couple of years. It honestly feels like we just cannot catch a break at the moment.
I’m really struggling to digest the idea that I may never have my own biological child. My wife has been incredibly strong and is putting on a brave face, but one of the things hurting me most right now is not wanting to take away her opportunity to experience pregnancy and motherhood because of me.
Where we go from here, honestly, I don’t know yet. Donor sperm, adoption (probably not possible due to dogs being ‘reactive’), stopping entirely; everything feels too raw to even think about properly right now, and I don’t think we need to make those decisions immediately.
I think I’m posting because I feel pretty alone in all of this, and male infertility still feels like something people rarely talk openly about.
The plan is I will be going on TRT.