My old baby
Kiwi is the one I’m most deeply bonded with among my pack of six. Somehow, she just shares the same energy and rhythm as me. She has studied my movements, my tone, even my expressions so closely that she often knows what I’m about to do before I do it.
But don’t let that innocent, almost puppy-like face fool you. She’s 10 now, and in just a few months, she’ll be 11.
I think that’s the part I’ve been struggling to accept.
The tiny puppy I brought home 10 years ago isn’t a puppy anymore. She has been quietly growing older while I was busy thinking of her as the same little girl who would always be there.
Her timeline is so much shorter than mine, and somehow, I forgot what that meant.
One day, she will leave me.
Writing that alone makes my chest feel heavy. I know it’s something I have to prepare myself for, even though I don’t think anyone can ever truly be prepared for losing someone they love.
She has lost most of her teeth , so her little tongue now rests outside her mouth, giving her that funny, helpless expression that somehow makes me want to hold her even tighter.
She has asthma and arthritis. Fortunately, having a pillow seems to help her sleep more comfortably and cough less at night. For her arthritis, I’ve been trying to give her more time in the sun and supplements, hoping I can make her old body a little more comfortable.
Recently, she has started bumping into furniture. Her eyesight is fading, and most of the time, she seems almost completely blind. She doesn’t look directly at me the way she used to. Sometimes she simply turns her face away.
Her eyesight is probably the hardest thing for me to watch because I feel so helpless. I don’t know what I can do to make it better, and I hate that I can’t simply explain to her what is happening or ask her how she feels.
She still behaves normally. She still eats very well. She still seems like herself. :) But sometimes I wonder if she is hiding pain from me, or if she feels confused or frightened by losing her sight. If you could share your experience of your dogs going through similar eye issues, I’d love to hear ❤️
I wish I could understand what goes on inside her little head.
I wish she could tell me what she sees, what she feels, and whether she is scared.
There are so many little signs that she is getting older.
And yet, right now, she is sleeping beside me, snoring softly and peacefully.
I look at her and feel this strange mixture of love, gratitude, sadness, and fear. I wish I could keep her exactly like this forever.
But maybe I can’t stop time. Maybe all I can do is notice her more. Sit beside her a little longer. Be patient when she moves slowly. Help her when she gets lost. And appreciate every ordinary moment that I once took for granted.
Because she may not know how old she is.
She may not understand that her body is changing.