Coping
Assalamualaikum, I just wanted to share my experience and perhaps gain an opinion or two on how to manage my situation. And before I say anything I really hope that everything I say does not expose any of my sins and I will try to filter as much as possible.
I’ve been dealing with an ongoing medical condition ever since 2023/2024. And It was managable, but not to the point that it was comfortable for me to live, sleep or work with full focus.
Ever since I finished going to my islamic school (12/13yrs old) up until just before this ramadhan (20) I wasn’t a practicing muslim, and I even commited a major sin which still makes me depressed and feel unforgivable, but I still try my best to have hope in the mercy of Allah SWT.
During Ramadhan, I tried to change my ways. Stop bad habits, and im still trying to get off tht major sin. Right after I started changing myself, by Allah’s Decree my medical condition got much much worse. I can barely eat without hurting, can barely move, rarely go outside, and have to use tayammum, things like that.
Its been about 2 months since Ive been dealing with this, and I had so much planned to try and make it up to Allah in hopes that he forgives me for these sins like going to the masjid everyday or organizing charity, but now due to my condition those plans are now 10x harder to do. Ive gotten to the point where Im having suicidal thoughts ( Im not sure if having these thoughts is forbidden, if so please tell me )
Im just wondering, am I being punished for the things I have done? I repent and repent, and things get worse. how can I try to pass by each day with more strength, how do I have more tawakkul in Allah, when everyday it gets worse and worse?