Need advice - people say my connection is weak but I don't get it
I've been dancing (lead) for like 9 months and I'm really into it. So now I'm at the point where I'm working a lot on form and frame and trying to iron out my bad starting habits. Several people have told me variations of this feedback about my connection: it's weak/insecure. I just went to a new class tonight (learning salsa on 1 for the first time) and the teacher told me my connection seems insecure; this was my first time meeting her so this tells me this is a ME problem and it will be a recurring problem until I IDENTIFY it and find a SOLUTION!!!
Basically I'm looking for advice from people who have dealt with this problem in the past and overcome it. I've had so many issues with shyness and social anxiety through my life and dance has been a path to help me overcome them. But unfortunately the issues must be carrying over into my dancing. So while I know where the problem comes from, I don't know what it is that I'm doing wrong or how to fix it. I've tried asking during class but nothing has stuck with me in the past (however after this recent one I think I'll ask my teacher to help me with it again).
When I think the issue is that my connection is too flimsy, I'm told I'm too stiff and need to relax my shoulders and loosen up. But when I try to relax and loosen up the follow says she doesn't feel the connection any more. Sometimes I think that I just need to hold the follow's hands tighter or more firmly but that doesn't seem to help. I have an issue where my arms and shoulders kinda fold towards my core (think a shy person crossing their arms and shrinking their posture) so I'm working on being mindful of that and spreading my arms more when I notice I'm doing it. I feel like I'm grasping at straws here... so there HAS to be other leads here that have been through this same thing.
If anyone has some kind of advice that helped them please post it. Like for example, I've had issues with posture and I read advice about how to stand up straight and keep standing up straight while walking: pretend there's a steak on a meat hook hanging in front of your face slightly above your mouth. Pretend (without actually opening your mouth) that you're trying to bite it; by doing this you will be standing up straight and looking forward with your head up without hunching over or walking with some other bad posture. This kind of advice works well for me but I'll take any advice.