u/NoCrew3090

Mission briefing for the Sunken Wastes:

Spots marked: 60/50

Covers everything except the beyond

Max range: The edge of the Milky Way Galaxy, covers ocean planets and planets with vegetation

Portfolio:

- Frozen Wastes (see for rundown on the wastes)

- Volcanic Wastes

- Oceanic Wastes

- Sunken Wastes (see middle ring rules for rundown on the Waste Empire)

---

We didn't expect you to actually mark down all those spots. Good job. But we're sending you to the scorched wastes, one of the 2 wastes that are fully occupied by the Waste Empire. Because of the empire's presence, we have given you very tall pillars of your father's bone to skirt the Empire entirely if we build structures here. Plant 150.

---

Rules for the inner circle:

1. Find Angstrom's portal in the middle of the Sahara Desert. Any other portal in any other desert will take you to the Emperor of the Wastes.

2. Make sure you have all the weapons we gave you before entering the portal, and routinely check your gear every 2 hours. Make sure you have a religious item or an item dear to you on you.

3. There will be lots of reanimated corpse cyborgs roaming around. Kill them. If you see a man with a mustache, he belongs to the empire. Since you have a sonic weapon, it releases a frequency that disrupts their 4D transportation and immobilises them. Do not hesitate to use it liberally.

4. Drink lots of water. If you don't have any, ask angstrom to teleport you water. You do not want to dehydrate here. Dehydration grows exponentially, meaning you'll die in 16 hours without water and 14 hours is your point of no return.

Overall, the only hazards here are those absolute 4D supervillains, which we gave you a weapon to deal with, and Mother Nature.

---

Rules for the middle ring:

1. The entire ring is a city full of those off-brand viltrumites named New Iram. Do NOT put any pillars here at any cost.

2. Do not hesitate to use angstrom's teleports to get you out of here. The Waste Empire sees you as a cyborg in the making.

3. Keep your sonic weapon playing on loop to incapacitate those Empire dickheads.

4. You will find the Emperor's palace. You will have no choice but to enter it, as all roads of the inner section lead here. The Emperor is resistant to that sonic frequency, so your only choice is moving when he doesn't look.

5. Our archaeologists suspect that this city was transported here from the middle east around 300 - 500 AD. The Wastes made the humans still there adapt to its harsh 4D environment, eventually becoming the Waste Empire, while the people that didn't survive became ghosts. Take out your item of importance if you sense something that isn't there to ward off the ghosts.

6. Once you get past the Emperor's palace... run. and run like the wind. You have alerted the entire empire. Everybody except the Emperor will come after you. Keep your sonic weapon playing.

7. You better have drank a lifetime supply of water before the palace, you'll need it.

Overall, this area is extremely dangerous and it's only the middle ring.

---

Rules for the outer ring:

1. This area sucks out your water the most. You need to drink water every 2 hours or else you will dry up into skin and bones.

2. You will see floating rocks and geographical features. Even the land is out to get you here, as rocks and such will move towards you every few minutes.

3. Look out for any elite Waste Empire agents here. you will have to use your sonic weapon, but it only works temporarily. Use this chance to run.

4. The sky here is pale green, like a nauseous vampire. If it's any other color, grab your item of importance.

5. Do not fall into any of the land's town-sized pores. They will take you straight to the beyond of the volcanic wastes.

Overall, although this seems less dangerous, you have to look out for even the land plotting against you here.

---

Rules for the beyond:

1. You can either enter here through the outer ring or by entering nonsense into a time machine.

2. This area is so dry, it looks like a blank white canvas here. The only thing populating this area is your own mind. Do not stay here long enough to become insane.

3. It's not even possible to dehydrate here. It's best to shed all the water you have to go faster.

4. You will randomly be teleported. Either farther away or to other wastes in rare instances.

5. The best course of action is to place all the pillars and then ask to be teleported back to the pentagon.

6. The creatures here are your own mind, ignore them. right? Don't let htem come here. Oh god they're real oh m y it s it so betaufil waow oagh my agoasdhss awhew rwqkrwr tqwrwrewrdewmrsweor ewr werwehew ewfs deew geqg ergsre gherh.

Overall, do not spend much time here and do your asingged missignasd as quiccccccck csa sapossbile do not dont no no no no no i spent too much im unsavebale no no no no please leave me here just leave me here i dotont desvrvvere t goba gback bhom eplase lv m her eaut etwa otew wetm ewatshueauiduaig auir tghsdtnaejasn esfuiesifhswaeugaweeweg ewhjew htjfa

---

...

Mission briefing for the Oceanic Wastes:

Pillars Erected: 125/100

Covers everything from the center to the beyond, farthest around 400,000km into the beyond

Max Range: The Local Group, only covers oceanic planets

Portfolio:

- Frozen Wastes (see for rundown on the wastes)

- Volcanic Wastes

- Oceanic Wastes

---

Well done. Now, you'll be exploring the sunken wastes. They're like swamps on earth. This will be a little more dangerous from the get-go. Ask Angstrom to teleport you back if you must. We need a minimum of 50 flagged spots.

---

Rules for the inner circle:

1. Enter through the Everglades. Any other swamp will leave you disappointed.

2. There will always be a bit more land than water.

3. There will be giant (around skyscraper-level) bugs crawling around this moist, smelly hellscape. Just take a shower before you come here, stay far, and that fly won't get revenge on you for its swatted brother. These bugs rely off pheromones and their compound eye can't see you.

4. Stay away from the water. While it doesn't have some terrifying creature with a million glutes or something, it's filled with the waste of this land. You'll get a terrible sickness if you do.

5. Don't eat anything in these wastes. They're not poisonous but they do rely on the water in these wastes.

6. Rip out a bug's compound eye and put it over your head like a hat. You'll need it for the next ring.

Overall, this area is dangerous unlike other inner circles and you will have to restrict yourself a bit to survive.

---

Rules for the middle ring:

1. The vegetation will be so dense that it creates a shroud of pitch darkness. We also believe some supernatural force might be at play here. Anything's possible in these wastes. The bug's eye will help you see.

2. You will see artifacts. I'm gonna tell you this in advance -- these are from the Waste Empire. They're a 4D travelling race stuck in the wastes who want to purify the wastes. Noble, right? Except they'll subjugate any sapient being and implant technology into them to turn them into eternally tortured robots filing out their mission. They'll outright KILL the non-sapient beings. They're not an issue here.

3. You will see mud. Water will be replaced with just mud. There is an infinite ocean from now on below this swamp. Avoid the mud, as it seems to suck anything into it.

4. You'll see the Empire's corpse cyborgs killing things here. If you see one, put them out of their misery. They'll try to subjugate you and take you to their emperor if they sense you.

5. Avoid the animals. Along with bugs, there are even bigger (about mountain-level) frogs who will not hesitate to eat bugs. Don't get caught in the crossfire of corpse cyborgs, giant bugs, and even bigger frogs.

Overall, this area is extremely dangerous. Don't try anything fancy, you are bacteria here along with the corpse cyborgs.

---

Rules for the outer ring:

1. Take off your bug eye hat, most vegetation has died due to the mass of mildly acidic mud here. It smells terrible here, so we have given you a drink that disables your olfactory sense.

2. If you see the ground warping, look out for a turtle. It's twice the size of a frog. It moves very slowly due to its slow speed and size, so it's best to move out of its way.

3. If you see someone with a mustache, stop moving. People with mustaches belong to the Waste Empire. They also can't see nonmoving things.

4. Your next bet is to keep your eyes off them if you have to move. If you get far enough, you're safe.

Overall, this area is very very dangerous and is your first encounter with the crazed empire of these wastes.

---

Rules for the beyond:

1. The beyond is marked with a wall. Even the Waste Empire doesn't want to touch it. Don't go into it. It has bubbles if you go far enough that can rupture eardrums and destroy cities. The mud is ever-churning and the mud looks like it sinks into itself. Go there if you have a deathwish.

This area is extremely dangerous, and if the Waste Empire doesn't wanna subjugate it, you shouldn't either.

---

It's okay if you get around 30/50 of the buoys placed, but it has to be above half.

Good job, Terra! You're a master on riding a bike with training wheels! Now let's see if you can ride a bike WITHOUT training wheels! Now, Daddy and Mommy found a very hot but very big spot that's nice and flat! You can ride your bike there!

1. Always wear a helmet. Keep it tight and make it form a 'V' shape around your ears!

2. Always hold your handlebars. You're gonna fall if you don't hold them!

3. Don't touch my special documents. They're for grown-ups only! Daddy needs them for his explorer job.

4. If you see grandpa, run to me and I'll take you home. He's a very very scary man! He'll do very bad stuff to you if you talk to or touch him.

5. Don't take off your shoes. The ground is really really hot!

6. Don't go too far from Mommy and Daddy. Bad things like to eat kids like you in the distances.

And that's all! Have fun with your new bike!

Mission briefing for the Volcanic Wastes:

Pillars Erected: 30/30

Covers everything from the center to the beyond, farthest around 1,000,000km into the beyond

Max Range: The Virgo Supercluster, only covers hot (100°C+) planets

Portfolio:

- Frozen Wastes (see for rundown on the wastes)

- Volcanic Wastes

---

We greatly underestimated how effortlessly you put those pillars. You really are your dad, Grayson. Now, let's talk work.

The measurements in the frozen doc apply to all the wastes. Angstrom has a hundred sturdy buoys that dig into the ground with an anchor made from your father's bone. Angstrom will teleport them to you if you need them. Given your reputation as an overachiever, we have your wife on standby to generate new buoys.

These wastes will be a little different from the last ones you've been in.. there's no solid ground to walk on. You have a high-speed armored speedboat. Along with the inner-middle-outer-beyond axis, there's another axis that goes vertically. It won't start to affect you until the outer ring.

---

Rules for the inner circle:

1. Enter through the sea vortex Angstrom created. Only go to the one at point nemo. Any other one will send you to the bottom of the ocean. Even the inner circle's sea floor is a lot scarier than what's lurking at the Mariana Trench, so be careful.

2. The area is calm and sunny. You can explore.. the creatures here are harmless unless provoked.

3. Place a buoy where you see fit. Max 10 buoys are allowed here.

4. Don't even think about using any generators here. The creatures have to move like they're on coke to power generators here. On the bright (heh, bright) side.. solar panels can work here. But we didn't give you any.

5. Stay away from the submarine environments at all costs.

Overall, this area is a walk in the park if you follow instructions.

---

Rules for the middle ring:

1. Keep sailing above the water. The horrors are only a few meters deep.

2. The area is slightly stormy. Just keep your ship slow n' steady.

3. Plant a buoy when you know that there's no near-surface creature that's gonna get perturbed by your buoy. If you provoke them, they'll drag you down to depths even they're scared of. Max 20 buoys here.

4. About 6/8ths of the way into the middle ring, go deep into the ocean. The horrors have moved to the surface. Your ship can transform into a submarine.

5. If you see a man disguising as your brother in the water, check him out. Oliver went to these wastes to go see his wife, and we've heard nothing from him since. Give us some info on him when you come back. If Oliver has a mustache, kill him instantly. The imitators don't know how to get a human's look right at these distances. If he's clean-shaven, uhh, talk with him I guess.

6. Keep your submarine airtight. If you have to speak with anyone outside, use the speakers on your ship.

Overall, this area is risky and you need to follow instructions to a T. Otherwise, you'll die in a differing way depending on which rule you break.

---

Rules for the outer ring:

I just want to interrupt the numerical format of these rings for a second to give you an outline on the vertical axis. It has 4 levels: Non-Night(>-1,000m), Abyssal(-1,000m to -10,000m), Oasis(-10,000m to -100,000m; abnormally low pressure) and Ice Floor(-100,000m). You'll reach the sea floor before the water pressurises into ice in this ring though.

1. Fly in the lower-mid abyssal zone. It's free of any creatures, which are in the non-night zone and the oasis. They're adapted to murder people in a low-pressure way.

2. Eve will have turned the remaining buoys into sturdy platforms that function the same as the buoys but adapted to stay in the Abyssal Zone. Place them here. Max 20.

3. The biggest threat here is the pressure. Don't go too deep and don't go too high. The submarine can only handle higher pressures for a few hours before giving out.

4. The storm here is heavy and the waves are full of energy. The creatures here also move like they're on coke. This is an ideal spot to source power for any transportation project that we'll build here.

5. If you see your mum sobbing in the back, kill her. It's in character for her to sob like a little baby about her dumb husband, but not in character for her to be in a deep submarine in a wasteland dimension.

Overall, this ring is very risky and you need elite levels of precision and awareness to survive.

---

Rules for the beyond

1. Go just above the ice.

2. Fake rules are here, due to the imitators advancing to text.

.3 your mom needs a hug. be a good son for her.

3. If you see your parents in the back, note what they're doing.

3a. If they're arguing, don't worry.

3b. If they're sobbing together, watch them closely.

3c. If they're making out, throw them out.

4. Due to the low pressure, 'buoys' don't need to be very advanced. Just place any of them as far as you can go. Eve's fatigue is the limit.

5. If you see your wife in the copilot seat, leave the submarine and ask Angstrom to teleport you. You have a 50/50 chance of dying here.

6. Come home, Mark. It's your dad. I'm sorry for what I did to you. I wasn't thinking straight. Please forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me.

Overall, this area is empty because of the imitators reigning supreme and killing even the creepiest creatures that dared to wonder here. Please, use your intelligence and these rules.

---

We expect ALL of the buoys to be placed here.

Mission Briefing for the Frozen Wastes:

Safe spots: 20

Covers everything except the beyond

Max range: The edge of the Milky Way Galaxy, only covers ice planets

Portfolio:

- Frozen Wastes (See for rundown on the wastes)

---

You did excellent. Using your previous success, Grayson, we found you as the best candidate to explore the volcanic wastes. The measurements of the rings seen there also apply here. We have a pile of 30 tall and sturdy pillars Angstrom will teleport.

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Rules for the inner circle:

1. Enter through an active volcano. Angstrom put a portal in the Kīlauea. Any other volcano will just melt you alive.

2. This area is full of volcanoes. We have scanned safe areas for pillars that we guarantee will never get hit by any eruptions, but the ground isn't safe for humans. We gave you a jet to fly in. It lasts for a full month. at hypersonic speed.

3. Request pillar to any spot you see fit for transportation. We're planning on making an air train system as the high sky must be the safest area, only having ash.

4. It's 60 C here, hotter than death valley!

5. We gave you a portable generator. The geothermal energy to charge your jet down here is astronomical, at least. Please soak your feet in the jet's cold water compartment every 30 minutes while it recharges, it'll be 2 hours at most.

Overall, it's risky to walk on the ground as it's very hot, but it should be survivable if you use our jet and do your job.

---

Rules for the middle ring:

1. Now you really need to fly. Just below the layer of ash clouds is your best bet, as you can still see the land.

2. You'll see creatures adapted to the harsh environment here. Most of them are gooey and/or floaty.

3. There are oceans of lava that have islands of volcanoes in them. This area is about 50% ocean so you'll need to learn how to deal with them. Float above the ash layer and avoid the giant lava eels. You'll know you're on land when you don't hear the eels vocalising.

4. The skies aren't 100% safe, as you'll see phoenixes trying to attack each other. They'll see you as a fellow phoenix and will chase you. They look like fiery birds with a bloodcurdling scream. If the screams go out abruptly, you're safe. They lost interest. If they sound closer, they're getting farther. If they sound farther, go faster. They're close. If they fade out into silence, then eject into the lava ocean. It's a better way to die. You always want the sound of the phoenixes to sound like they're screaming in your ear if you see one.

5. The best area to place a pillar is in the middle of the ocean, shockingly. Volcanoes are so far from deep ocean that all a pillar needs to survive in this ring is a high melting point.

6. If your jet is about to die here, land on the land and proceed with protocol. Additionally, look out for any giant magma slugs or air squids approaching your location.

7. It's 500 C here, luckily your jet is fitted with protection!

Overall, it's very risky to fly low and a death sentence to touch the ground, but if you avoid threats and hover above the ash clouds then you'll be OK.

---

Rules for the outer ring:

1. It's a superheated ocean of lava that's more chemically similar to plasma. It's full of volcanoes that shoot even above the ash clouds, so you need to fly extremely high.

2. You'll know if you're in a pillar spot or not because you won't hear as much seismic activity.

3. The creatures here are adapted to the monstrous seismic activity that happens here. If they come towards you, they have magnetized towards your ship for food and you need to fly very fast. They move at mach 1.

4. Fly very high to stay safe from the magnetoballs. Getting caught by one is the second worst death you can imagine here in these wastes.

5. It's 4000 C here. Recharge your jet fully and keep power banks on board before going beyond the middle ring, as you'll have nowhere to recharge.

Overall, it's risky to even be here if you're flying below mach 1.

---

Rules for the beyond:

1. Unlike the frozen wastes, you can actually explore the beyond. All the lava here has evaporated because it's so hot.

2. There are spots that are close to 0 Kelvin. They're good spots to put pillars.

3. Turn on your forcefield. We've only engineered one that lasts a day, so your time in the beyond is 12 hours max.

4. The ground is literally plasma. It's hotter than the core of a hypergiant. The air temperature here is about 20 C.

5. Due to your father 'volunteering' to put his body for science after his little tantrum in Chicago, the pillars can float. Any pillars here, activate their floating power.

6. On the topic of your father, we disposed of him here. So if you see him walking here or hear his loving voice, immediately ask Angstrom to teleport you and the jet and fly as far forward and fast as humanly possible for the 20 minutes it takes for Angstrom to teleport you. Don't tell your mother anything from this mission, she's gonna break down for what? The millionth time?

Overall, the beyond of the Volcanic Wastes is limitless except for the ground. Your father is the only real threat here, and putting him here was my biggest mistake. When we do build trains here, we'll make them go fast in the beyond so your father doesn't notice them.

---

We expect 2 out of 3 pillars to be placed here.

You absolute idiot! Why did you do this!? Did you not read the sign i put for you back there? Can you even read? Well.. I put this sign here just in case you had a black hole for a brain and ignored the last one. If you ignore this one, you'll die. Darwin really was right, huh?

Now, unlike other places, this valley will have different rules for different heights that will stack on(Except one), which is why I placed this sign at any 'milestone' mentioned. I believe this valley is endless, but it's capped at a certain point for regular humans (Wink wink, any Viltrumites reading this!) so we'll never truly know if this valley ends or not.

Anyways, me and my friends went through the hassle of making a path that even has guard rails! We mapped the safest path down and the rules only cover the max depth of this path. Only follow the path. This valley gets stranger as you go down. Go with a group(3+ people).

Oh, also, don't camp here. If you do, you'll die much quicker than if you have a simple infectant latched onto you.

___

>250 Meters(around 820 ft):

1. Don't fall. You'll die like in any other valley if you do, and I'll make a post making fun of you on Reddit.

2. Don't hold in any urge to cough, sneeze, vomit, urinate, defecate or anything along those lines. Get the infectant out of your system.

That's about it, the only threat here is the infectant that you can kill relatively easily if you just GTFO of here and follow the rules posted on the last sign.

___

250 - 1000 Meters/1 km(820 ft to 3,300 ft/0.62 mi):

1. Now this is the interesting part. The life trying to kill you will advance from micro-organisms to plants & fungi.

2. If you wanna eat (SERIOUSLY! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO EAT FOOD FROM THE FUCKIN' SUPERNATURAL VALLEY OF DOOM AND DESPAIR!?), only eat the mushrooms that are white and have nothing on them.

2a. If they're pink, they'll give you immortality, which is NOT the flex you think it is.

2b. If they're purple, they'll give you a mild stomach ache.

2c. If they're blue, they'll turn off your lungs and make you unconscious for a few minutes.

2d. If they're green, they'll make you vomit for 5 minutes straight every 12 hours or so. Yikes!

2e. If they're yellow, they'll give you a sore throat for the next fortnight (Please, don't take this the wrong way).

2f. If they're orange, the years you have left until death by old age will be halved.

2g. If they're red, they'll make you lose blood through every viable orifice until you die.

2h. If they're black, you'll get immortality but you'll feel immense pain for every second of it.

3. Don't bother eating any plant here, they're just gonna hurt or kill you. If a plant is in your path, step over it.

4. The sky will be mostly cloudy no matter what the weather was in the normal world or Layer 1.

___

1km - 3km(0.62mi - 1.86mi)

1. You reached your first kilometer! The life trying to kill you will tack on invertebrates (without a spine). This is the first life that will move to kill you so you better get your guard up.

2. If you see a crawling insect come near you, you need to step on it (if you're not wearing shoes, get out of here).

3. If you see a flying insect that's not a butterfly, it's very uncommon. let it sit on your finger. It won't hurt you if it's venomous. You'll have befriended the insects, and they won't try to hurt you no matter what you do to them.

4. If you see a butterfly, run as fast as you can back to ASL. Butterflies down here are deadly with a single touch.

5. Spiders, the usual suspects of the spineless world, aren't harmful at all down here! Neither are centipedes, but they don't have as big of a reputation as spiders.

6. Snails will make you immortal if you touch them. Stay away from snails at all costs.

7. Worms are natural warners down here. If their herds are all moving in sync in the opposite direction the path runs, I think it's best you run with them.

8. The sky will be overcast and it will rain.

___

3km - 6km(1.86mi - 3.73mi)

1. This is where the valley's supernatural tendencies make it darker. At noon, it will look around evening even though the sun is literally above you. Spined animals will be added to the list and intelligence will start to become a problem, so basically Australia. You need a flashlight for this area.

2. Due to the rain reaching its apotheosis at this height, there will be areas with amphibians and fishes. Step carefully, as if you kill an amphibian or a fish, the rest will kill you.

3. Reptiles are by far the most dangerous here. They're all venomous down here and they all have chameleon-like abilities. Use your flashlight. If you see a reptile, shine your flashlight at them so they run away.

4. Birds are safe, but very very irritable. Like some kind of angry birds.

5. Primates will sympathise with you. Other mammals will try to eat you at any cost, so shine your light at them and even fight them if you can.

6. It rains HEAVILY down here.

___

6km(3.73mi) - 10km(6.2mi)

1. It's so dark here. Some ambient light exists, but you'll need a flashlight on you to remain safe. Sapients (Humans are the only one here, I've never seen a viltrumite down here) will become a problem.. as will supernatural entities. My buddy Alejandro blessed this segment of the path so that supernaturals can't enter.

2. If you see a human on the path, kill them at all costs. I won't lie to you and say they're not human anymore -- they are. But they're... insane? Is that the right word?

3. If you hear singing, cover your ears.

4. If you see anything that's slightly transparent, say a prayer. Any commitment to any god will make them lose interest in you. If you're atheist, tell them they're not real. They live off of belief. Beware, I suspect this trick won't work on anything below 10km.

5. If it becomes as bright as noon, you hear your favorite song, you smell your favorite meal and you meet your loved ones, run like the wind to the upper layer and hold a chimp.

6. It's overly dry down here and only sapients and supernatural beings will attack here. It seems to be safer here, but the threats here are as dangerous as every layer above a thousandfold.

___

The End - 10km(6.2mi)

The end of the path, and this rules poster. Anything beyond here is too dark to see and all light is seemingly absorbed here. If you get here, go back. Like I said in the sign ASL, this isn't some sort of hero's journey -- all you're getting is the feeling of a daredevil and burying/destroying all the stuff you brought with you.

Now, if you wanna back off at any time, go back and follow these rules.

Wanna hear an anecdote of mine? When I was making this path, one of my buddies decided to go past 10km deep. He never came back. Now this should teach you to not be an idiot and stay exploring regular valleys where the only risk you have is the whim of regular non-sapient life and geological risks.

Turn back now! The valley ahead of you is incredibly dangerous, and not just geologically!

1. If you came here by car, get back in your car and locate the nearest car wash. This is the easy way out, and it's the most unlikely way you'll see this sign. Even if you skip the carwash, all you'll need to do is to just wear a hazmat suit when touching your car. If you came here by foot, make a mental note of the Bolded rules.

___

2. Go to Kregg's barber shop -- it's the nearest one. Ask him to shave your entire head.

3. Go home and dig as deep as you possibly can. Put all the stuff on you, including your clothes, into the pit and then fill it back up. It's the earthworms' problem now I guess. Unless earthworms become an intelligent species and send their zombies to infect humans, you have nothing to worry about.

4. Take a long, long shower and shave off all the hair on your body mentioned in the bracket (Pubic, Arm, Leg, Body). It's okay if you leave a few strands, the soap will kill it. Speaking of soap, rub your entire body with soap for as long as you physically can, get into all the nooks and crannies, and then go out after you physically can't scrub anymore.

___

5. If you're too poor to buy anything else, you're gonna have to work extra shifts or something. But you're not as doomed as you would be if you actually went into that valley alone. Don't make a mental note of this rule and the last because they're just to entertain/scare you lol

6. This is for not following the rules, you won't experience this unless your brain is actually a tic-tac. You'll die in 7 days, via some infectant that latches onto your stuff. The infectant is the least of your worries if you go into the valley.

This won't be some hero's journey or something. This valley will kill you instantly if you go deep enough.

Great job. You have trained well, you put visible effort into wanting to score this role, and you're now in the breeding program to expand our empire back to its former glory. Now, these earthlings are... strange. They have supernatural 'emotions', things we weed out from birth in our perfect world. Emotions feel good to us who have never felt them, but they also have a large element of horror that you need to avoid. Here's a list of codes for interacting with them from I, your Regent.

1. You need to dumb down your speech. If you don't dumb down your speech, you'll be considered a weirdo and you'll end up lonely. If so, see rule 4.

2. I know this sounds weird, but don't attack people. Attacking people carries extremely negative connotations on Earth and you should only do it to people who violate Earth-laws. A lot of earth things sound weird

3. Study up on Earth's traditions. If you're lucky, you'll find a partner who teaches you all about them.

4. Don't be an outcast. That means you won't find mates and we'll have to return you to conquest. It's easier to be an outcast on Earth than it is on our planet. Only one warrior has ever become cast out of our community and it's because he relishes in blood. Now back to the point, if Earth has softened you enough to fail at your original tasks (Which is projected to happen a lot), we'll have to execute you.

5. Now.. Finding love. Even for humans, who have innate understanding of their magic, finding love is considered an advanced skill for them. Take the humans on 'dates' at first. Dates are versatile; you can take them to food establishments, to entertainment spaces, or living spaces.

6. This seems easy until you find heartbreak. It's one of the greatest horrors you'll ever find in human magic. Heartbreak will leave you feeling empty.. You'll have to just deal with it until it goes away

7. If this still seems easy to you, the hard part comes with this rule; balancing your empire's duties with blending in with humans. These humans.. their magic is contagious. It softens hardened warriors and makes them attached to this physically inferior planet. Please.. try to avoid it as hard as you can. Or else, you'll be executed. And the death of any one of our species leaves a void in me.

8. Now, if you manage to successfully breed with an earthling and have a kid, you'll have to raise them by human standards until 18 of Earth's orbital cycles have passed. If you have multiple, wait for the youngest to be 18 Earth orbits old then take them back home.

This is a very dangerous and risky occupation, and you will have my respect forever even if you get ensnared into Earth and we have to execute you. Good luck..

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Since CesurGOAT is gone, I have to come and fill his shoes. Even if CesurGOAT, you know, wore those weird slipper things and not shoes.

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