OCD Treatment Reluctancy
I (17M) have had OCD my entire life. People ask me if I want to take meds for it/partake in ERP, and honestly, I'm too afraid to even consider it as an option. I haven't done a lot of research, so I guess I'm wondering what it's like for anyone who has been through treatment, and if others share the same concerns as me.
To explain why I feel this way; the entire structure of how I think and process the world is based on my OCD. It feels less to me like a disease that I have, that's separate from me, like an extra thing, but more like a part of me. All of my decisions, behaviors, relationships, aspirations, fears, personality traits, how I feel about situations, how I treat people, etc. is either a direct or indirect result of OCD. It's who I am. It has been the foundation of my entire mental life for as long as I can remember.
For an analogy, I like to think of my brain as a child's bedroom. There's the common trope of a monster lurking in the corner of the room, and I'm hiding from it under a blanket on my bed. The monster represents my intrusive thoughts, and the blanket is my compulsions. Logically, I know that the blanket is not offering me any real safety, but the sense of security and control is enough.
I guess I'm afraid that medication will remove my blanket, rather than the monster. That it will break the facade that I've built for myself, that I'll stop believing in it, and that it will dismantle the entire system of how I function. That it'll all just feel fake to me and I won't be able to use OCD as a tool in my life. I'm afraid of not having any control anymore, because at the end of the day, my OCD likely came from a sense of control being ripped from me as a young child and is now a desperate attempt of maintaining control over my life. I'm worried that I'll lose my blanket, aka myself. And in the scenario of losing my blanket, and having to face the monster head-on, I would honestly prefer to just leave the room.
Does anyone else feel this way? Is this something I should even be worried about? Please share your experiences.