Psychological toll of Derm applications
I am a reapplicant, so I never expected this to be easy. I knew it would be hard. But the psychological burden wasn‘t something I think I accounted for. I cannot for the life of me catch onto the confusing, unspoken, unwritten rules. Mistakes feel existential - the tiniest error can be the difference between you having a fighting chance and someone advocating for you, and you being left to drown while everyone watches. I can spend hours second-guessing every decision I make because I’m scared it will step on someone’s toes, and that person will use it against me later. Yet at the same time, opportunity passes by if you shrink away. Sometimes it genuinely feels like there is no winning.
I’m tired of being told to just be myself. That has only hurt me so far.
Anyone have any advice? Anyone ever experienced this? Or am I catastrophizing and is this just the scars talking?
EDIT: thanks for the support everyone. I talked to a family member (have been holding a lot of this inside) and felt a lot better afterwards. It’s good to know that I’m not alone feeling this way. I thank everyone who provided constructive commentary. To my fellow reapplicants, I think one thing that has definitely helped is acknowledging how difficult this is. Do not gaslight yourself into believing that this is easy, or that you’re foolish for feeling lost and hurt, or that something fundamentally is wrong with you, something that sets you apart from your peers. Comparison truly is the thief of joy, but we can always rest in the fact that we are still here despite how difficult things are, which means we are developing a strength that not everyone will have. And you win not by necessarily matching where you want and how you want, but remaining true to yourself no matter what happens. This process can be grueling and unforgiving and unfair, but you’re still fighting, and the strength you gain through this journey doesn’t vanish. And someday someone will recognize you for your hard work - even if that someone is yourself.
Stay strong folks, and keep that fight alive.