Struggling to find my place
Hi,
I hope that this kind of post is not repetitive and I'm positive that my wording is going to be disorganised and unhelpful. I've looked in the wiki section and I'm still unsure of my footing. I guess I'm looking for both advice and kinship on this one.
I don't know what I am.
I was born in north east England, my hometown is littered with viking imagery and Norse language permeates my dialect (geordie). My ancestry is both Scottish and Irish. I now live in the south east of England and have gotten to know some pagans in this area.
I make a point of attending the solstice in the Lake District every year as well as Lindisfarne festival, I went to Beltane in Edinburgh this year with my partner as well as Clava Cairns in the Highlands, I feel SUCH an affinity for paganism, but I'm struggling with belief and community.
I'm a lifelong atheist and so I find myself yearning for some kind of logical underpinning or a singular text to draw from, something to read so that I know I'm 'doing it right'. But because there is no authoritative source, no unbroken line of pagan practice to visit and tap into, it all feels a little bit like trying to grasp smoke.
So far, I find that my thoughts have become quite solidly animistic, I find quite a strong affinity for the idea of Cernunnos despite the lack of depth written about him (I think this is because of my veganism, which does feel like a sacred creed for me) and my job role as a forest ranger is solidly aligned with sacred-earth beliefs.
But it feels performative. I don't think I'm currently confident enough to BE pagan until I understand it better. Does that make sense?
I'm sure I'm not alone here. I'd welcome some website or book recommendations. Watching more youtube videos of people talking about paganism whilst Nordic folk music plays in the background is not likely to help the feeling of just buying into an internet trend.
How did you shake the feeling of performativity?