Why I feel worse the better I get
I’m a C1 in Spanish and yet every time I go to Spain I feel *more* self-conscious? If I fluff an interaction or have to repeat myself I feel like I failed.
Yet if I go on holiday somewhere like Greece, not speking a word of Greek, I’m not bothered.
I realised that it’s because as you get better at a language, what you’re looking for changes.
In Greek I’m a tourist and I’m primarily looking to function - if I manage to order a drink - amazing! If I say thanks in Greek and the waiter smiles - omg, get me!!
At a higher level, you start looking instead for belonging. Evidence that you belong in this language, that you belong in native spaces. And the time investment and level of emotional investment is higher - if I still can’t make myself understood in a crowded bar, then jesus, was 20 years all just a waste of time?!
Does anyone else experience the greatest self-doubt in their strongest language?
(TL)