u/Old-Apple1803

Writing your thoughts down feels difficult at first, but when you've exhausted all your options, sometimes it feels like the only way to actually vent. At least here, you've got nothing to lose.

It's just you and your thoughts, in a space that's slightly more organized than the chaos of your cluttered mind.

Yesterday, things got a little overwhelming, the lack of sleep and constant negative self-talk piled up in a way I've never experienced before.

As my vision blurred from the relentless thinking, it felt like I was no longer observing the room around me, being consumed by the noise of it as everything around me darkened in the almost pitch black room, with thoughts of the only way I thought I could escape this cycle.

I couldn't even pinpoint the exact reason I felt that way, whether it's the confusion of trying to understand and define someone's feelings towards me, or the ever-growing certainty that I'll never be someone's first option, whether in friendships or even relationships.

Even when it feels like you've done everything right, the weight of constant overthinking distorts how you see what others might think of you, slowly crushing you until you lose sense of who you're meant to be and what your intentions were before your own mind blurred the image of the person you once thought you were.

And just when you think that someone might actually see you as you'd always intended, the brief feeling of acceptance is exhilarating a, but that high quickly fades away, and you start to notice every little shift in their tone, every delayed reply.

And the longer you wait, the more your mind starts to doubt whether they even cared about you in the first place, until you've convinced yourself maybe they were just tolerating you out of pity.

And then you get the slightest bit of attention, giving you a little taste of that feeling you once had, leaving space for the same push and pull cycle that your own mind puts you through to begin once more as it slowly drains you with each loop.

Self-reflection and self-awareness can deceive the mind, even though they're meant help you identify and define self-destructive patterns or navigate the uncertainty of your own feelings, sooner or later, they end up creating the same uncertainty they were meant to define, instead of providing clarity, they deepen the confusion they were meant to resolve.

Maybe the real solution is acceptance, just knowing you were never meant to be anything more than what you currently are might bring a newfound sense of peace, just knowing you'll always be tolerated, never loved, just accepting where you stand and trying to find beauty, not in what could be, but in what currently is.