“Does God Have A Favourite Child?”
Here is my clearer reasoning.
Am I a sinner for thinking that the Lord has a favorite child? Or for not being content with what I have?
I grew up prayerful and loving. I also grew up kind, though sometimes arrogant. I was a child who was content with whatever life gave me. Whether it was small or big, painful or pleasant, or whether the challenges I faced were difficult or easy, I used to believe I could overcome them. Especially because I had a mind full of love and eyes that always looked for the good. Even when the burden was heavy, I would force myself to carry it. But as I grew older, the challenges given by the world became harder, too.
My eyes were also opened to the possibilities and circumstances of life. There are people whom the world seems to bless first. No matter how big or small their sins may be, they are blessed, even when they already have more than enough. It even reaches the point where they pray for something just once, and God gives it to them immediately. Sometimes, they do not even have to pray for it, yet God gives it to them anyway. But there are others who could pray ten million times to receive something, and the Lord still would not give it to them. Is the amount of time they have waited still not enough? Was it truly not meant for them? Or does God simply choose to give His blessings earlier to His favorites?
Every week, I pray to Him. Every week, I attend Mass. Every week, I ask for forgiveness. And every week, I offer Him sincere and heartfelt prayers. Yes, I know that everyone has their own timing and that each of us has our own story. And yes, I know that everyone has their own right time. But I still do not understand. If we all have our own timing, is it only natural that some people receive theirs earlier than others? But you know in your heart that you have been waiting longer. They say that the longer you wait, the better it will be. Or perhaps God has a greater plan for you.
But why is it like this? Why do some people have to experience so much pain and suffering just to receive a moment of happiness? Yes, there may be a story you will carry with you because of that trial, but you may also carry wounds that are difficult to heal. If we all have our own struggles and stories in life, is it only natural that some people experience more happiness than suffering? Or perhaps more suffering than happiness?
There is something else I have heard: “Just keep praying for it, and at the right time, the Lord will give you what you prayed for.” But I have prayers that I have been praying for such a long time, prayers that I have offered to Him so sincerely and constantly. Yet in the end, He still did not give them to me. Why did He let me pray for them for so long if He already knew that He would not give them to me? Was it to test my faith in Him? Because if so, it hurts to think that this is what He will always let me experience.
Sometimes, I feel so hurt and disappointed with the Lord. If He can make the impossible possible, then He can also make the possible impossible. Am I not praying enough? Or am I simply not one of His favorites?
I want to share my experience during the past two months. I fought many times to become an officer, whether in clubs, the student council, or simply in my classroom. And what is funny about it? God closed every one of those doors for me. For many years, I prayed to be transferred to another section, ever since I transferred to STC, because I knew that greater opportunities might open for me there. And as painful as it was, even that door was closed by God. I also had plans before the school year began—things I wanted to achieve or experience, things I prayed would happen for me. As tiring as it became, the Lord still did not give them to me. Instead, He gave them to others. But what hurts the most? For those others, it was not a loss. But for me, it was something I had prayed so hard for. Who would not feel disappointed with God after that?
There were many nights when I cried alone. I cried so much that my eyes and body hurt, but it was just so painful. It is so painful to trust and wait for God’s plan. There are things that have happened in my life where the resentment I buried inside me was greater than the happiness that replaced it. There are days when I question Him. Will the happiness I find at the end truly heal the pain left by the past? Or perhaps, sometimes, the only thing waiting for us at the end is the end of our suffering. Maybe all we carry with us are the lessons we have learned along the way.
There were nights when I questioned my faith in Him so deeply. And I know that He has answered me and is helping me heal, but sometimes, when the wound left by fate hurts too much, I become blinded and overwhelmed by my emotions.
I pray that at the end of the darkest chapter of my life, and during the hardest moments when trusting in my faith feels impossible, I will be with Him and finally see Him. I pray that my mind is wrong for thinking that God has a favorite child. I pray that at the end of the hell I am going through now, there will be happiness and laughter that will fill the lips that were once covered in pain from crying. I pray that my eyes will shed a different kind of tears.
May the wounds and pain I am experiencing now become an inspiration for me to help others who are also going through the struggles I once experienced. And may my faith in God live in my heart again. May I learn to say the words, “Thank You, God, for letting me experience that.”
And I pray that I will eventually reach the destination I long for—not by rushing toward it, but by holding on to the hope that the hardships and sorrows I am grieving through now will eventually come to an end.
And I hope that when the food I have been waiting for is finally placed in front of me, I will still have the appetite to eat it.